Life is funny sometimes...

Yesterday my wife opened up emotionally a little bit.

The handful of times this has happened before I've not handled it well. I always gotten too excited and overwhelmed her with my emotions. This time I listened quietly and acknowledged what she said without getting defensive and it turned out to be a positive experience for both of us.

I won't share what my wife said out of respect for her privacy but here is why it was such a positive experience for me...

Well, for one thing because it is such a pleasure to see her open up to me.

I came out to my wife real early in our marriage (maybe six months into the first year) so we really didn't know each other very well and afterwards she shut down so I couldn't talk to her to find out what was going on with her. And she has only opened up a few times since and each time until yesterday I've messed things up.

For years I blamed myself for everything that went wrong in our marriage. I figured all our problems had to do with me being gay. But then after I saw how my wife dealt with problems in general I started wondering if maybe her way of dealing with things might have something to do with why things were the way they were.

I just couldn't tell if we had problems relating to one another because I was gay or if we also had issues having nothing to do with my being gay but because we were such different personalities.

While listening to her, I realized I still didn't know if our marital problems were all my fault or if we both played a role. But what I had never realized before yesterday is that fixing blame had nothing to do with what I was after. What I was after was knowing who played what role so I could either accept things as is or work toward improving things. You see I believe if our marital problems are all due to my being gay then I have to accept things as they are because I can't change my sexuality and after all these years of trying to improve how I relate to my wife if there was a way to improve things I would have found it by now. However, if some of our problems have nothing to do with my being gay then there's still hope for improvement. For instance, if my wife being closed off has something to do with our problems then maybe if she could just open up a little bit then maybe that would elicit a positive reaction from me and the change in both our behaviors could make for improvement in our lives together.

I know it's a small thing but yesterday we moved just a little closer to that day when I learn if I have to accept things as is or if improvement is still possible. And there's one more thing...yesterday I also realized I am ready to either accept things as is or deal with whatever non-gay issues we have. I just want to settle it once and for all.

Regards,
Philip