Living A More Authentic Life

About three years ago I realized my eating habits and lack of exercise had not only made me unhealthy but was also threatening to shorten my life.

At the time I was 56 or 57 years old, taking six to eight different medications for diabetes and high cholesterol, using a c-pap at night because I had sleep apnea, was almost 100 pounds heavier than I had been in my 40's, couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, my left leg was numb and I had lost most of the hair on my legs due to circulation problems.

Now I was being told that I also had high blood pressure.

Having three health issues - diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure - made me realize for the first time that I might not live as long as my Dad who lived to be 94.

My father had had all the same health issues but not until much, much later in life.

Whereas, being unhealthy had been the price I had been willing to pay to stay monogamous to my wife, I had not bargained on my actions shortening my life.

But first let me backtrack a minute.

One of the stupidest things I have ever done in my life was to decide to gain weight in order to make myself unattractive.  The thinking was that staying monogamous/gay-celibate was so difficult that I had to do something drastic to keep from acting on my gay feelings -and- the only thing I could think of was to make myself so unappealing that I would be rejected if I were to try to act on my gay feelings.

I gained about 60 pounds in a couple of months before I found myself sufficiently repugnant but I then had trouble putting on the brakes and gained another 40 pounds before my weight stabilized.

I felt so awful about myself  I didn't even venture the thought that another man might find me  attractive.   Mission accomplished.

Still I was surprised my wife said almost nothing about my sudden dramatic weight gain.

Fast forward several years.  I have arrived at a fork in the road - it's no longer about staying monogamous/gay-celibate - it's about shortening or prolonging my life.

I decide to prolong my life and deal with the monogamy/gay-celibacy issue some other way.

I struggle at first but then I am given the best advice I have ever been given.  Someone tells me not to worry about losing weight but instead to focus on getting healthy.

So I turn to the Internet to find out what I need to do to get healthy and amazingly it turns out there is a tremendous lot that a person can do to get healthier (if they are still not seriously sick) and most of those things are fairly easy to do.

And just about everything I did to get healthy helped me to lose weight - but in a smart way.

So it took several months but after several months I was 85 pounds lighter, in good physical shape and continuing to get in better and better shape, totally off my meds, no longer suffering from sleep apnea, the leg numbness almost gone and the hair grew back on my legs.

But I want to reiterate - it took me several months -   I never dieted and I tried not to lose more than 1 or 2 pounds a week.

Actually, the hardest part about getting healthier was NOT losing too much weight too quickly. 

Fortunately, my genetics are such that I didn't end up with stretch marks or loose skin like so many people, especially older people, that lose a great deal of weight -but- I think it helped that I did try to lose the weight slowly enough that I gave my body time to recover.

So I am in great shape now.  In fact, I am in better shape now at 60 then when I was in my 40's. 

Having dealt with my physical health issues, I am now turning my attention to my emotional health issues.

And I find myself floundering with my emotional health issues just like I found myself floundering with my physical health issues at first.

But I know this - I need to live a more authentic life - regardless, of what I end up doing the result must be a more authentic life if I ever want to become more emotionally healthy.

I will be blogging on "Living a More Authentic Life " later.

Regards,
Philip

Celebrities coming out....

Today I read an article about 13 celebrities rumored to be gay that afterwards came out.

As I read the article in the Huffington Post and the comments accompanying it, I was thinking of the what had happened earlier that day.

My Department had had a Team Builder and then, instead of going back to work, I stopped at a local bookstore close to the restaurant we had had lunch at.

I love looking at books especially literature and especially gay literature so I went searching for the gay section and, when I finally found it, spotted a young man, probably a teenager, nervously looking around while scanning what I assumed to be a gay book.

I changed direction.  I figured it had probably taken that kid a lot to work up the courage to do what he was doing and I didn't want my presence unnerving him.

That kid was on my mind while I read about the 13 celebrities rumored to be gay that came out afterwards.

And I had mixed feelings.  On one hand, I was glad that gay kids today get to read about celebrities coming out because, when I was a kid, I didn't know a single out gay person; celebrity or non-celebrity.  On the other hand, it saddens me that gay kids still have to work up the courage to take that first step.  That first step that usually often involves something so simple as opening a gay book at a local bookstore but carries so much emotion because it is so life changing.

I thought about Tom Cruise and Queen Latifah and all the other still rumored ones.  But what about the rest of us - the non-celebrities?  If we all came out, wouldn't the hinges be blown right off the closet door?  And wouldn't this latest generation be the last to have to muster up the courage to step out of the darkness that is the closet.

I feel that we aren't doing enough.  I know it will get better for them if they make it through those first tough years but I want it to get better for gay teens now.

We should have a Team Builder to make this a better world for gay kids.  What can we do?

Sitting here waiting to get laid off....

My company recently announced that 8% of the workforce would be laid off.

That was shortly followed by my department announcing a 5% reduction in force.

This is about my sixth round of layoffs with this company.

But for some reason this time it is different.  This time I feel my luck has finally run out.

I have no way of knowing but something in my gut tells me I will be sent packing.

It's been two weeks since the announcements and the pink slips will probably be going out soon.

Understandably these last two weeks I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and I find myself for once not wanting to talk about how I feel.

But still in the midst of all the fear there is also excitement.

If I get laid off, will I harness that excitement to search for a job that I really want?

Something I have been wanting for a long time.  Something totally different from what I do today.

Or will the fear of being "60 and unemployed" paralyze me? 

Will I tell myself that a new career at my age is just a joke and to be realistic; that at my age I will be lucky to just get another job in the field I am already in?

This waiting is torture...