I keep hearing that I am not engaged or not engaged enough.
I hear that at work and at home and I know it is true.
But I have reached my limit of engagement.
You see there is this life that keeps calling me that I am not leading and that life would pull me away from the life I have.
I don't have to explain it to you. You know what I am getting at.
But it's been clear for a long time now that I am as engaged in the life I lead as I can be and when I try to get more engaged - I just can't.
My psyche or intuition or being or whatever it is refuses to get any more engaged.
My pysche demands balance. Balance in all areas of my life. It won't allow me to be happy as long as I am ignoring one big area of my life.
I have tried to fight my psyche many times but I know from experience my psyche will outlast my will to overcome it.
Now the fight is mostly out of me and I will go one or two rounds with my psyche and give up in defeat.
I know I am hurting my chances in the the life I chose but getting more engaged in the life I chose puts more distance between me and the life that keeps calling and my psyche refuses to let that happen and punishes me.
So my not being engaged is not a dismissal of the life I chose but rather a way of mitigating conflict that my psyche stirs inside me.
My disengagement is about making the perception of balance where there is none. Of letting go of the everyday stress and not adequately dealing with the everyday problems in order to trick my psyche into staying quiet.
My disengagement is about fooling my psyche into believing that I am really not distancing myself from the life that keeps calling me - I am just holding myself back - I am on pause.
As long as I trick my psyche to think I am only on pause, my psyche stays quiet and I can continue in the life I chose albeit not very effectively.
I guess I have found one of my limits.