The Five Love Languages

Madame Curie posting on another blog turned me on to the concept of the Five Love Languages.

The concept goes like this...people communicate their love to one another in one of five basic ways through words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time or physical touch. Usually a person has a primary way of communicating love that, if not reciprocated in the same manner, will eventually leave the person feeling unloved.

The problem is, of course, that many couples don't communicate in the same love language leaving both parties feeling unloved.

The solution is to figure out your partner's love language and express your love in their language until they feel so loved that they will no longer feel needy and be better able to focus on you.

The thinking is that your partner will then communicate love in your language so you will no longer feel needy.

And things just keep getting better and better.

What I love about this concept is that it is so simple and obvious yet I failed to connect the dots.

It's always been obvious to me that there are different ways to communicate love and I would have had no trouble guessing what those ways were.

It's also always been obvious to me that some people express their love one way and others another way.

What I was missing was that there is no one way of communicating love that is more right than the other.

I always assumed the right way to express love was to say it (words of affirmation), show it (physical touch) and connect (quality time - sharing feelings). Acts of service and gifts were poor substitutes for the right ways to express love.

I always assumed it was natural for everyone to express love in the right way unless the relationship had been seriously damaged or something in the person's family background had gone amiss.

In other words, if you couldn't or wouldn't communicate love by words, physical touch and sharing then you were psychologically harmed by something in your past.

Why did I believe that?

I think part of it is cultural bias. I'm Hispanic and Hispanic cultures pride themselves on relationships whether it is with family, coworkers, etc. Contrast this with the American culture that prides itself on self-reliance and rugged individualism.

But also part of it is that American culture is shifting away from rugged individualism and more towards relationships. Our movies and TV shows are full of examples of people bridging the distance between them; finally opening up and connecting with one another.

The implicit message I have gotten is that everyone should openly and freely express their feelings and there is something wrong with you if you don't.

This concept tells me that I am wrong. There is no one right way to express love. All the ways are right depending on the individual. But each person needs to be loved in their own way.

Confession time...I have never doubted my wife's love for me but I have long felt there was something seriously wrong with our relationship. Since our relationship changed forever post disclosure, I have long wondered if it had been irreparably harmed because I was gay. I have also wondered if my wife's upbringing was partly to blame. In other words, was she broken and in need of fixing.

This concept is a third possibility that provides relief (no one is broken), clarifies the problem (we are both feeling unloved) and a relatively simple solution (we just need to speak each other's language).

Well, I am doing an experiment.

I think my wife's primary love languages are acts of service and to a lesser extent gifts. My primary love languages are quality time, specifically the sharing of feelings, and to a lesser extent physical touch.

Do you see why the disconnect all these years?

For several weeks, I have been focusing on acts of service and paying close attention to my wife's comments for gift ideas (none so far).

Preliminary results appear promising. There are little signs here and there. We are a little closer.

Could it have been so simple as we just were speaking different languages?

Regards,
Philip