Bear of a day

I wasn't very nice to my wife today.

I'm a walking weather report. When the temperature drops dramatically, I get depressed. When it heats up dramatically, I get the fever (like in sexual fever).

This week the temperature has been up and down and up and down and I was a bear all day.

Finally I apologized to my wife but by then it was too late - the day was totally ruined.

Usually the only person I can talk to about my feelings is my wife but today the last person I wanted to talk to about my feelings was my wife.

And not just because of the obvious reason...

My wife doesn't talk much and she rarely talks about feelings while I can't seem to shut up and what I mostly talk about is feelings.

I know my wife loves me but I often feel alone in our marriage. I feel the need to have someone in my life that is actually interested in what I have to say and not just listening out of a sense of duty.

My wife says that's not true. That she is interested but it's just that I go on and on and on. It's too much. I am too emotional.

At the same time, I don't feel alive unless I am emoting (is there such a word?) freely.

And the truth is that I am not some crazy emoter. I don't think I'm all that unusual.

So I was not just feeling frustrated; I was also feeling stifled. I feel stifled all the time.

But because I didn't want to ruin her day I didn't talk to her about it and ended up ruining her day anyway.

Now that I have brought it up - those complaints are now banging around in my head. "It's too much. I am too emotional. I go on and on."

What my wife sees as a weakness (I am too emotional) is really a dominant part of who I am. When she complains that it's too much, what I hear is rejection of the only real way I have of connecting to her. I feel my way of connecting is blocked.

I tell her this but she either can't or won't hear it.

I have a friend. I call him on days like today. But my wife doesn't like me talking to him. I don't blame her because she knows my friend and I have a mutual attraction.

But I would have called him anyway today because today was one of those days. Except that things have been real awkward between us for the last several weeks.

He recently lost his job and now I get real uncomfortable talking to him because I never know what to say or how to act.

You see I keep an emotional distance between us so as not to give my wife anything to worry about. But with him feeling all sorts of emotions and being so vunerable, I am finding it impossible to be there for him and still keep that emotional distance so I'm being a coward and sort of avoiding him.

So if I can't be there for him when he needs me then I feel it would be unfair of me to expect him to be there for me when I need him especially since my problems are so minor by comparison.

But I sure wish I had had someone to talk to today.

That is why gentle reader I am writing this post.

You are my listener today. I am feeling better. Thanks for listening.

Regards,
Philip