I don't know if anyone still reads my blog but I could use some advice.
My best friend lost his job. This is his third layoff in five years.
Each time I don't know how to act. Each time it's a little worse than before because he is older. The only good thing this time around is that the economy has improved a little since the last time.
I have trouble knowing how to act when people need to be lifted up. I'm great at letting someone cry on my shoulder or vent. I'm good at listening. But I am lousy at cheering people up; making them look at the bright side of things. I can't seem to just focus on the positive. I always have to acknowledge the bad with the good.
His "job situation" hangs over our friendship. It's like the unspoken topic in every one of our conversations.
I guess the way I see it...I am the one with the problem...I am uncomfortable and I don't know what to say -and- worse of all, I feel like I am not being a good friend.
Here is how bad it has gotten....I catch myself complaining about work or talking about retirement and change the subject because I don't want to rub it in his face that I have a job and he doesn't or I can think about retirement when he can't.
But what I am hating about myself is that I am sort of avoiding him a little. What kind of friend am I?
And it doesn't help that there is always this sexual tension between us. He knows I am monogamous and respects that -but- the tension is still there.
Here is the real problem...(took me writing this post to figure it out)...
He is understandably very vunerable and part of me wants to let my guard down and be there for him -but- part of me is scared that I won't have the discipline to not let things get out of control.
I am afraid of the caged beast breaking free.
Regards,
Philip
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I am talking to myself...OK, then I'll use this blog as a diary.
I'm glad I wrote this post because now I know what is really bothering me.
"Here is the real problem...He is understandably very vunerable and part of me wants to let my guard down and be there for him -but- part of me is scared that I won't have the discipline to not let things get out of control."
My main problem is fear of losing control and I should be able to do something to alleviate that fear.
But how to I prevent the beast from breaking free?
Based on past experience, I know how easy it is to be in total control one minute and spinning out of control the next.
If I resolve this main problem then the rest (the ackwardness, discomfort, etc) should be relatively easy to address, I think.
One thing I can do is to meet only in public places. We should be able to talk privately even if it might be a little ackward.
Regards,
Philip
But we always meet in public now and that has it's drawbacks.
Sometimes he looks like he might cry but doesn't because he is in a public place. And I often wonder if he would open up more if there weren't other people around.
The solutions are eluding me.
I have more thinking to do.
Regards,
Philip
This is what I have so far...
Invite him out to eat (my treat, of course) or to the movies or whatever public place. Any excuse to spend time with him. And then just enjoy his company. Focus on our friendship instead of his work situation. Let him direct the conversation on work. If he brings it up, listen to him. If he asks for advice, give him the best advice I can.
Truth is there is really very little I can do to help him except be his friend. I just have to take steps to ensure it remains friends.
Regards,
Philip
One more thing...whatever I do with my friend, I have to always clear it with my wife first. If I am thinking of inviting him somewhere than I ask her if it's OK first. That way no misunderstandings, no blindsiding. She has a valid reason to feel threatened by our friendship and I don't want to give her anything to be worry about.
Regards,
Philip
I read everything you write. Although I have no idea what to say.
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