Bitter....

I am feeling quite bitter right now. Not bitter in that I hate the world but bitter in that I hate where I am at but I am unwilling to do anything that will change the status quo so I am bitter at my own ineptitude or limits or inability or whatever the right term is.

In other words, I am resigned to the fact that as long as I am married that I won't be able to do any better than what I am already doing yet I continue to refuse to end my marriage and am seemingly unable to make peace with what comes with staying faithful in a heterosexual marriage.

In other words, I yearn for game change because the rules of the game I am in are stacked against me. Play fair and lose. Cheat and lose. It makes me want to give up trying but I can't. That is the nature of humans I guess - not to give up.

I am bitter at the hopelessness of it and not being able to come to terms with the hopelessness and because my way of coping with it is to keep trying even when I know there is no hope.

Let me explain what I am going through by means of a few examples that happened this week.

First, there is my best friend. We worked out at the gym together this week. I loved working out with him but I have such mixed feelings about him. Emotionally being with him feeds my soul but no matter how much time we spend together I still end up feeling starved. It's like being around him just makes it more evident of how emotionally starved I am. I am not just starving for sex. I am starving for intimacy, as well.

Then there is a new coworker I met this week. I don't know why but every time I was around this guy I felt like a schoolboy (or better yet a schoolgirl). I don't know what it is about him but I forget to breathe when I am around him. And what is really weirding me out is that I am getting mixed signals from him. I am sure most of it is in my head but I am also sure not all of it is imagined. For instance, there is a lot of tension going on between the two of us and not all of it is coming from me.

Lastly, I am reading 'Olive Kitteridge' a book of short stories and Olive reminds me a whole lot of my wife and Henry (steadfast Henry) sure sounds a whole lot like me. You see Olive is kind of mean and lots of people just don't get why such a nice guy like Henry puts up with Olive. Well, I can tell them.  Because Henry knows Olive is not really mean (well maybe a little bit) plus he loves Olive.

I just finished the short story that has to do with Olive's reaction to Henry's failing health. Olive is trying to be brave and face the truth that soon Henry will be gone and she can't understand why she just can't accept this because, after all, death is part of life.  Olive is evolving. She is very, very slowly opening herself up to her own feelings.

And this is what I think it will take for my wife. For me to die first before she finds herself forced to finally look at her feelings, at what we meant to one another. Of course, by then it will be too late. I won't be around to talk to. I won't be around for her to share her feelings with me. I guess you can say that her window of opportunity is the next ten, twenty, or whatever years of marriage that we have left and that window of opportunity will be over before she knows it.

I just recently celebrated a birthday and my only gift request was that each day she share one heartfelt thought with me and do that for one year. I told her that I would understand if she couldn't do that but that if she couldn't do it that I would prefer she say nothing then to say she couldn't or wouldn't do it. My birthday came and went and, of course, I heard nothing about my birthday wish. I will make the same request for Christmas and all gift exchanging events going forward until the day one of us dies or she surprises me. If she's never able to grant me this wish then I want her to regret never having granted me this one wish after I am gone.

Did I forget to mention that I am feeling quite bitter right now.