I keep hearing that I am not engaged or not engaged enough.
I hear that at work and at home and I know it is true.
But I have reached my limit of engagement.
You see there is this life that keeps calling me that I am not leading and that life would pull me away from the life I have.
I don't have to explain it to you. You know what I am getting at.
But it's been clear for a long time now that I am as engaged in the life I lead as I can be and when I try to get more engaged - I just can't.
My psyche or intuition or being or whatever it is refuses to get any more engaged.
My pysche demands balance. Balance in all areas of my life. It won't allow me to be happy as long as I am ignoring one big area of my life.
I have tried to fight my psyche many times but I know from experience my psyche will outlast my will to overcome it.
Now the fight is mostly out of me and I will go one or two rounds with my psyche and give up in defeat.
I know I am hurting my chances in the the life I chose but getting more engaged in the life I chose puts more distance between me and the life that keeps calling and my psyche refuses to let that happen and punishes me.
So my not being engaged is not a dismissal of the life I chose but rather a way of mitigating conflict that my psyche stirs inside me.
My disengagement is about making the perception of balance where there is none. Of letting go of the everyday stress and not adequately dealing with the everyday problems in order to trick my psyche into staying quiet.
My disengagement is about fooling my psyche into believing that I am really not distancing myself from the life that keeps calling me - I am just holding myself back - I am on pause.
As long as I trick my psyche to think I am only on pause, my psyche stays quiet and I can continue in the life I chose albeit not very effectively.
I guess I have found one of my limits.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Living A More Authentic Life
About three years ago I realized my eating habits and lack of exercise had not only made me unhealthy but was also threatening to shorten my life.
At the time I was 56 or 57 years old, taking six to eight different medications for diabetes and high cholesterol, using a c-pap at night because I had sleep apnea, was almost 100 pounds heavier than I had been in my 40's, couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, my left leg was numb and I had lost most of the hair on my legs due to circulation problems.
Now I was being told that I also had high blood pressure.
Having three health issues - diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure - made me realize for the first time that I might not live as long as my Dad who lived to be 94.
My father had had all the same health issues but not until much, much later in life.
Whereas, being unhealthy had been the price I had been willing to pay to stay monogamous to my wife, I had not bargained on my actions shortening my life.
But first let me backtrack a minute.
One of the stupidest things I have ever done in my life was to decide to gain weight in order to make myself unattractive. The thinking was that staying monogamous/gay-celibate was so difficult that I had to do something drastic to keep from acting on my gay feelings -and- the only thing I could think of was to make myself so unappealing that I would be rejected if I were to try to act on my gay feelings.
I gained about 60 pounds in a couple of months before I found myself sufficiently repugnant but I then had trouble putting on the brakes and gained another 40 pounds before my weight stabilized.
I felt so awful about myself I didn't even venture the thought that another man might find me attractive. Mission accomplished.
Still I was surprised my wife said almost nothing about my sudden dramatic weight gain.
Fast forward several years. I have arrived at a fork in the road - it's no longer about staying monogamous/gay-celibate - it's about shortening or prolonging my life.
I decide to prolong my life and deal with the monogamy/gay-celibacy issue some other way.
I struggle at first but then I am given the best advice I have ever been given. Someone tells me not to worry about losing weight but instead to focus on getting healthy.
So I turn to the Internet to find out what I need to do to get healthy and amazingly it turns out there is a tremendous lot that a person can do to get healthier (if they are still not seriously sick) and most of those things are fairly easy to do.
And just about everything I did to get healthy helped me to lose weight - but in a smart way.
So it took several months but after several months I was 85 pounds lighter, in good physical shape and continuing to get in better and better shape, totally off my meds, no longer suffering from sleep apnea, the leg numbness almost gone and the hair grew back on my legs.
But I want to reiterate - it took me several months - I never dieted and I tried not to lose more than 1 or 2 pounds a week.
Actually, the hardest part about getting healthier was NOT losing too much weight too quickly.
Fortunately, my genetics are such that I didn't end up with stretch marks or loose skin like so many people, especially older people, that lose a great deal of weight -but- I think it helped that I did try to lose the weight slowly enough that I gave my body time to recover.
So I am in great shape now. In fact, I am in better shape now at 60 then when I was in my 40's.
Having dealt with my physical health issues, I am now turning my attention to my emotional health issues.
And I find myself floundering with my emotional health issues just like I found myself floundering with my physical health issues at first.
But I know this - I need to live a more authentic life - regardless, of what I end up doing the result must be a more authentic life if I ever want to become more emotionally healthy.
I will be blogging on "Living a More Authentic Life " later.
Regards,
Philip
At the time I was 56 or 57 years old, taking six to eight different medications for diabetes and high cholesterol, using a c-pap at night because I had sleep apnea, was almost 100 pounds heavier than I had been in my 40's, couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, my left leg was numb and I had lost most of the hair on my legs due to circulation problems.
Now I was being told that I also had high blood pressure.
Having three health issues - diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure - made me realize for the first time that I might not live as long as my Dad who lived to be 94.
My father had had all the same health issues but not until much, much later in life.
Whereas, being unhealthy had been the price I had been willing to pay to stay monogamous to my wife, I had not bargained on my actions shortening my life.
But first let me backtrack a minute.
One of the stupidest things I have ever done in my life was to decide to gain weight in order to make myself unattractive. The thinking was that staying monogamous/gay-celibate was so difficult that I had to do something drastic to keep from acting on my gay feelings -and- the only thing I could think of was to make myself so unappealing that I would be rejected if I were to try to act on my gay feelings.
I gained about 60 pounds in a couple of months before I found myself sufficiently repugnant but I then had trouble putting on the brakes and gained another 40 pounds before my weight stabilized.
I felt so awful about myself I didn't even venture the thought that another man might find me attractive. Mission accomplished.
Still I was surprised my wife said almost nothing about my sudden dramatic weight gain.
Fast forward several years. I have arrived at a fork in the road - it's no longer about staying monogamous/gay-celibate - it's about shortening or prolonging my life.
I decide to prolong my life and deal with the monogamy/gay-celibacy issue some other way.
I struggle at first but then I am given the best advice I have ever been given. Someone tells me not to worry about losing weight but instead to focus on getting healthy.
So I turn to the Internet to find out what I need to do to get healthy and amazingly it turns out there is a tremendous lot that a person can do to get healthier (if they are still not seriously sick) and most of those things are fairly easy to do.
And just about everything I did to get healthy helped me to lose weight - but in a smart way.
So it took several months but after several months I was 85 pounds lighter, in good physical shape and continuing to get in better and better shape, totally off my meds, no longer suffering from sleep apnea, the leg numbness almost gone and the hair grew back on my legs.
But I want to reiterate - it took me several months - I never dieted and I tried not to lose more than 1 or 2 pounds a week.
Actually, the hardest part about getting healthier was NOT losing too much weight too quickly.
Fortunately, my genetics are such that I didn't end up with stretch marks or loose skin like so many people, especially older people, that lose a great deal of weight -but- I think it helped that I did try to lose the weight slowly enough that I gave my body time to recover.
So I am in great shape now. In fact, I am in better shape now at 60 then when I was in my 40's.
Having dealt with my physical health issues, I am now turning my attention to my emotional health issues.
And I find myself floundering with my emotional health issues just like I found myself floundering with my physical health issues at first.
But I know this - I need to live a more authentic life - regardless, of what I end up doing the result must be a more authentic life if I ever want to become more emotionally healthy.
I will be blogging on "Living a More Authentic Life " later.
Regards,
Philip
Friday, December 6, 2013
Celebrities coming out....
Today I read an article about 13 celebrities rumored to be gay that afterwards came out.
As I read the article in the Huffington Post and the comments accompanying it, I was thinking of the what had happened earlier that day.
My Department had had a Team Builder and then, instead of going back to work, I stopped at a local bookstore close to the restaurant we had had lunch at.
I love looking at books especially literature and especially gay literature so I went searching for the gay section and, when I finally found it, spotted a young man, probably a teenager, nervously looking around while scanning what I assumed to be a gay book.
I changed direction. I figured it had probably taken that kid a lot to work up the courage to do what he was doing and I didn't want my presence unnerving him.
That kid was on my mind while I read about the 13 celebrities rumored to be gay that came out afterwards.
And I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was glad that gay kids today get to read about celebrities coming out because, when I was a kid, I didn't know a single out gay person; celebrity or non-celebrity. On the other hand, it saddens me that gay kids still have to work up the courage to take that first step. That first step that usually often involves something so simple as opening a gay book at a local bookstore but carries so much emotion because it is so life changing.
I thought about Tom Cruise and Queen Latifah and all the other still rumored ones. But what about the rest of us - the non-celebrities? If we all came out, wouldn't the hinges be blown right off the closet door? And wouldn't this latest generation be the last to have to muster up the courage to step out of the darkness that is the closet.
I feel that we aren't doing enough. I know it will get better for them if they make it through those first tough years but I want it to get better for gay teens now.
We should have a Team Builder to make this a better world for gay kids. What can we do?
As I read the article in the Huffington Post and the comments accompanying it, I was thinking of the what had happened earlier that day.
My Department had had a Team Builder and then, instead of going back to work, I stopped at a local bookstore close to the restaurant we had had lunch at.
I love looking at books especially literature and especially gay literature so I went searching for the gay section and, when I finally found it, spotted a young man, probably a teenager, nervously looking around while scanning what I assumed to be a gay book.
I changed direction. I figured it had probably taken that kid a lot to work up the courage to do what he was doing and I didn't want my presence unnerving him.
That kid was on my mind while I read about the 13 celebrities rumored to be gay that came out afterwards.
And I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was glad that gay kids today get to read about celebrities coming out because, when I was a kid, I didn't know a single out gay person; celebrity or non-celebrity. On the other hand, it saddens me that gay kids still have to work up the courage to take that first step. That first step that usually often involves something so simple as opening a gay book at a local bookstore but carries so much emotion because it is so life changing.
I thought about Tom Cruise and Queen Latifah and all the other still rumored ones. But what about the rest of us - the non-celebrities? If we all came out, wouldn't the hinges be blown right off the closet door? And wouldn't this latest generation be the last to have to muster up the courage to step out of the darkness that is the closet.
I feel that we aren't doing enough. I know it will get better for them if they make it through those first tough years but I want it to get better for gay teens now.
We should have a Team Builder to make this a better world for gay kids. What can we do?
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Sitting here waiting to get laid off....
My company recently announced that 8% of the workforce would be laid off.
That was shortly followed by my department announcing a 5% reduction in force.
This is about my sixth round of layoffs with this company.
But for some reason this time it is different. This time I feel my luck has finally run out.
I have no way of knowing but something in my gut tells me I will be sent packing.
It's been two weeks since the announcements and the pink slips will probably be going out soon.
Understandably these last two weeks I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and I find myself for once not wanting to talk about how I feel.
But still in the midst of all the fear there is also excitement.
If I get laid off, will I harness that excitement to search for a job that I really want?
Something I have been wanting for a long time. Something totally different from what I do today.
Or will the fear of being "60 and unemployed" paralyze me?
Will I tell myself that a new career at my age is just a joke and to be realistic; that at my age I will be lucky to just get another job in the field I am already in?
This waiting is torture...
That was shortly followed by my department announcing a 5% reduction in force.
This is about my sixth round of layoffs with this company.
But for some reason this time it is different. This time I feel my luck has finally run out.
I have no way of knowing but something in my gut tells me I will be sent packing.
It's been two weeks since the announcements and the pink slips will probably be going out soon.
Understandably these last two weeks I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and I find myself for once not wanting to talk about how I feel.
But still in the midst of all the fear there is also excitement.
If I get laid off, will I harness that excitement to search for a job that I really want?
Something I have been wanting for a long time. Something totally different from what I do today.
Or will the fear of being "60 and unemployed" paralyze me?
Will I tell myself that a new career at my age is just a joke and to be realistic; that at my age I will be lucky to just get another job in the field I am already in?
This waiting is torture...
Monday, November 12, 2012
Ironies of ironies...
When I was in seventh grade, I used to hang out with a bunch of nerds.
I was a nerd.
Back then we weren't called nerds, this was before the Fonz and Happy Days, we were just the uncool kids.
During recess my nerd friends and I would hang out at the library doing our homework instead of hanging out doing whatever it was the cool kids did.
I remember one friend saying something derogatory about Jewish people. My sister had married a Jewish guy and my four nieces were Jewish so I felt compelled to say something.
I forget what I said but since he look different I raised the question of his own ethnicity.
He proudly said "I am a Hebrew".
I, knowing next to nothing about Judiasm, knew enough that a Hebrew was a Jew and told him so.
He balked but in nerd-style fashion referred to the Webster dictionary.
I watched his face fall as he read the definition of Hebrew and he was very silent after that.
I don't remember this nerd's name but that is who I was thinking of the day of my brother's funeral.
My brother was always different from the rest of us.
I guess I never questioned it because we were all so different but even with all our diversity he was an outlier.
Unlike my younger brothers, he didn't have freckles or green eyes or wavy hair or tan lines.
Unlike my sister, he was not white.
Unlike me, his hair was nappy, his skin very dark.
I remember sitting at the funeral home, my brother's ashes in an urn sitting on what appeared to be an altar and my brothers' wife and son and granddaughters eulogizing him.
But what I remember most was my brother's wife asking later that afternoon when we were alone if he was a Negro.
I remember saying "I don't know" and leaving it at that.
In that instance I remembered all the unkind things I had said to him over the years about black people and being glad that I had kept my unkind thoughts to a minimum.
But most of all I remember thinking about that nerd guy in seventh grade reading the Webster dictionary and realizing for the first time that his own unkind words could be used against him.
And I was silent for a very long time.
How could I have not known?
My brother was a half brother. And the whiteness of my half sister blinded me to the darkness of my brother.
After all how could he be black if they were full siblings and she was so white.
But then she does have what she calls crazy hair.
I had seen pictures of their father.
There was no denying that they were his.
It was also undeniable that their father was white.
And my mother was white so where does that leave us?
This is were it gets really complicated.
You see I am Puerto Rican and there are a lot of white Puerto Ricans that if you look one or two generations back you realize are not so white.
They look white but aren't.
What I am trying to say is that my brother's father was white but my brother's mother, my mother, was not so white.
I know this because I met my mother's father, my grandfather, and he was not so white.
I guess after a generation or two, it is easy to forget the grandmother or grandfather that was not so white.
It's what happens when you focus on the white side while ignoring the black.
And after a couple of generations that can be done without anyone being the wiser.
My sister has two grandsons, my grandnephews, with red hair and blue eyes.
My grandnephews are Mormon and Republican and listen to Beck and think Beck is a God (egads!).
They hate, hate Obama.
They have no idea.
Ironic, isn't it?
My brother always seemed so guarded. Was this why?
Maybe some day I will ask their grandmother; my sister with the crazy hair.
I was a nerd.
Back then we weren't called nerds, this was before the Fonz and Happy Days, we were just the uncool kids.
During recess my nerd friends and I would hang out at the library doing our homework instead of hanging out doing whatever it was the cool kids did.
I remember one friend saying something derogatory about Jewish people. My sister had married a Jewish guy and my four nieces were Jewish so I felt compelled to say something.
I forget what I said but since he look different I raised the question of his own ethnicity.
He proudly said "I am a Hebrew".
I, knowing next to nothing about Judiasm, knew enough that a Hebrew was a Jew and told him so.
He balked but in nerd-style fashion referred to the Webster dictionary.
I watched his face fall as he read the definition of Hebrew and he was very silent after that.
I don't remember this nerd's name but that is who I was thinking of the day of my brother's funeral.
My brother was always different from the rest of us.
I guess I never questioned it because we were all so different but even with all our diversity he was an outlier.
Unlike my younger brothers, he didn't have freckles or green eyes or wavy hair or tan lines.
Unlike my sister, he was not white.
Unlike me, his hair was nappy, his skin very dark.
I remember sitting at the funeral home, my brother's ashes in an urn sitting on what appeared to be an altar and my brothers' wife and son and granddaughters eulogizing him.
But what I remember most was my brother's wife asking later that afternoon when we were alone if he was a Negro.
I remember saying "I don't know" and leaving it at that.
In that instance I remembered all the unkind things I had said to him over the years about black people and being glad that I had kept my unkind thoughts to a minimum.
But most of all I remember thinking about that nerd guy in seventh grade reading the Webster dictionary and realizing for the first time that his own unkind words could be used against him.
And I was silent for a very long time.
How could I have not known?
My brother was a half brother. And the whiteness of my half sister blinded me to the darkness of my brother.
After all how could he be black if they were full siblings and she was so white.
But then she does have what she calls crazy hair.
I had seen pictures of their father.
There was no denying that they were his.
It was also undeniable that their father was white.
And my mother was white so where does that leave us?
This is were it gets really complicated.
You see I am Puerto Rican and there are a lot of white Puerto Ricans that if you look one or two generations back you realize are not so white.
They look white but aren't.
What I am trying to say is that my brother's father was white but my brother's mother, my mother, was not so white.
I know this because I met my mother's father, my grandfather, and he was not so white.
I guess after a generation or two, it is easy to forget the grandmother or grandfather that was not so white.
It's what happens when you focus on the white side while ignoring the black.
And after a couple of generations that can be done without anyone being the wiser.
My sister has two grandsons, my grandnephews, with red hair and blue eyes.
My grandnephews are Mormon and Republican and listen to Beck and think Beck is a God (egads!).
They hate, hate Obama.
They have no idea.
Ironic, isn't it?
My brother always seemed so guarded. Was this why?
Maybe some day I will ask their grandmother; my sister with the crazy hair.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Cereal bars
The last couple of weeks I have been measuring my frustration by the number of cereal bars I eat.
I usually eat a cereal bar every morning before heading out to the gym.
.
But lately I have been going through an entire week's supply in a couple of days.
Sometimes I wonder if my wife is happy only when I am not being true to myself.
She says things like "you are a gay man but you are married."
She use to say things like "you are either gay or married."
Which is to say that in some 30 years she has gone from gay is a choice to being married for a gay man should be no different than it is for a straight man.
I don't know if she believes this out of ignorance or because she is in denial or because she has to believe this or lose all hope.
I wish the drip, drip, drip of frustration was not eroding my soul like it does.
Which leads to where I am at now - I am tired. I would like a day without frustration.
I am also out of patience and when I get impatient I start feeling sorry for myself.
So now I am mixing pity with frustration which leads to even more cereal bars.
And at a $1 a bar this is getting expensive.
Regards,
Philip
P.S. Clif bars were my favorite for a long while but recently Luna Bars have beene making a comeback. Yum.
I usually eat a cereal bar every morning before heading out to the gym.
.
But lately I have been going through an entire week's supply in a couple of days.
Sometimes I wonder if my wife is happy only when I am not being true to myself.
She says things like "you are a gay man but you are married."
She use to say things like "you are either gay or married."
Which is to say that in some 30 years she has gone from gay is a choice to being married for a gay man should be no different than it is for a straight man.
I don't know if she believes this out of ignorance or because she is in denial or because she has to believe this or lose all hope.
I wish the drip, drip, drip of frustration was not eroding my soul like it does.
Which leads to where I am at now - I am tired. I would like a day without frustration.
I am also out of patience and when I get impatient I start feeling sorry for myself.
So now I am mixing pity with frustration which leads to even more cereal bars.
And at a $1 a bar this is getting expensive.
Regards,
Philip
P.S. Clif bars were my favorite for a long while but recently Luna Bars have beene making a comeback. Yum.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Dealing with someone else's depression
Recently an acquaintance has been suffering from a severe bout of depression.
I kept trying to think of what to say or do but I could never figure out anything.
One day he was having a particularly rough time so I gave him a hug.
It caught both of us by surprise and was probably not a smart thing to do since we really don't know each other that well but I gave him a hug because I was missing the 'old' him.
Yesterday he told me that that hug was the best thing I could have done because it reassured him that I was not considering abandoning our friendship.
I had no idea he was worried about our friendship; much less thinking the friendship might end.
I now realize that was the depression talking and that by giving him a hug I addressed one of his fears in the affirmative without even realizing it.
I think what helps the most with severe depression is just letting the person know that you are not going anywhere and avoiding giving advise because the advise just comes across as crticism of the person for feeling the way he does or pressure to get over it.
Sounds lame I know but I am trying to see it from the depressed person's point of view and, if I were depressed, that's what I would want done.
I kept trying to think of what to say or do but I could never figure out anything.
One day he was having a particularly rough time so I gave him a hug.
It caught both of us by surprise and was probably not a smart thing to do since we really don't know each other that well but I gave him a hug because I was missing the 'old' him.
Yesterday he told me that that hug was the best thing I could have done because it reassured him that I was not considering abandoning our friendship.
I had no idea he was worried about our friendship; much less thinking the friendship might end.
I now realize that was the depression talking and that by giving him a hug I addressed one of his fears in the affirmative without even realizing it.
I think what helps the most with severe depression is just letting the person know that you are not going anywhere and avoiding giving advise because the advise just comes across as crticism of the person for feeling the way he does or pressure to get over it.
Sounds lame I know but I am trying to see it from the depressed person's point of view and, if I were depressed, that's what I would want done.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Silly Christmas Song
When my kids were little, I would make up silly songs.
This morning I remembered my daughter's favorite Christmas song when she was four years old (she's 33 years old now).
Here it is:
Merry Christmas to my friends, to my friends, to my friends
Merry Christmas to my friends
Hi Ho Silver
I told you they were silly.
Merry Christmas!
This morning I remembered my daughter's favorite Christmas song when she was four years old (she's 33 years old now).
Here it is:
Merry Christmas to my friends, to my friends, to my friends
Merry Christmas to my friends
Hi Ho Silver
I told you they were silly.
Merry Christmas!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Can anyone recommend a good gay movie?
Can anyone recommend a recent release say within the last year?
Here is what I am looking for...
An intelligent (feel-good a plus) film about complex relationships and familial/traditional expectations... and the surprisingly adult outcomes when a family is confronted with a nontraditional family situation.
Here are three movies I am already considering:
Weekend: This frank drama centers on the cautious relationship between two gay men -- one a genial lifeguard, the other a lusty art-gallery worker -- who contemplate turning a passionate one-night stand into something more meaningful.
Circumstance: Iranian teens Atafeh (Nikohl Boosheri) and Shireen (Sarah Kazemy) explore their forbidden attraction to one another against the backdrop of modern-day Tehran's subcultures in this Sundance Audience Award winner for Best Drama. Atafeh's brother, Mehran, returns home after drug rehab and is soon dismayed by his sister's newfound sense of liberation. Giving up on his dreams to become a classical musician, Mehran joins the morality police.
Beginners: Based on indie director Mike Mills's relationship with his father, this intriguing drama tells the story of Oliver (Ewan McGregor), a graphic artist coming to grips with the imminent death of his father (Christopher Plummer), who, at 75, has one last secret: He's gay. Both inspired and confused by his father's determination to find true love at last, Oliver tentatively pursues a romance with commitment-shy French actress Anna (Mélanie Laurent).
Here are two fairly recent movies that I've seen that I highly recommend:
Plan B: After his girlfriend, Laura (Mercedes Quinteros), dumps him and takes up with handsome charmer Pablo (Lucas Ferraro), Bruno (Manuel Vignau) plots revenge: He tries to come between the new lovers. But his plan -- which entails a growing friendship with Pablo -- soon takes an unexpected turn. Though Laura still goes out with Bruno now and again, his sexuality comes into question in this Argentinean import from first-time director Marco Berger.
Undertow: Writer-director Javier Fuentes-León sets this offbeat romantic ghost story on the rough-hewn but gorgeous Peruvian coast, where a married fisherman must come to terms with his love for another man, despite the strict moral codes of his homeland. This winner of the World Cinema Audience Award: Dramatic at Sundance is a vivid examination of the ways in which affairs of the heart supersede social strictures and all other forms of logic.
Here is what I am looking for...
An intelligent (feel-good a plus) film about complex relationships and familial/traditional expectations... and the surprisingly adult outcomes when a family is confronted with a nontraditional family situation.
Here are three movies I am already considering:
Weekend: This frank drama centers on the cautious relationship between two gay men -- one a genial lifeguard, the other a lusty art-gallery worker -- who contemplate turning a passionate one-night stand into something more meaningful.
Circumstance: Iranian teens Atafeh (Nikohl Boosheri) and Shireen (Sarah Kazemy) explore their forbidden attraction to one another against the backdrop of modern-day Tehran's subcultures in this Sundance Audience Award winner for Best Drama. Atafeh's brother, Mehran, returns home after drug rehab and is soon dismayed by his sister's newfound sense of liberation. Giving up on his dreams to become a classical musician, Mehran joins the morality police.
Beginners: Based on indie director Mike Mills's relationship with his father, this intriguing drama tells the story of Oliver (Ewan McGregor), a graphic artist coming to grips with the imminent death of his father (Christopher Plummer), who, at 75, has one last secret: He's gay. Both inspired and confused by his father's determination to find true love at last, Oliver tentatively pursues a romance with commitment-shy French actress Anna (Mélanie Laurent).
Here are two fairly recent movies that I've seen that I highly recommend:
Plan B: After his girlfriend, Laura (Mercedes Quinteros), dumps him and takes up with handsome charmer Pablo (Lucas Ferraro), Bruno (Manuel Vignau) plots revenge: He tries to come between the new lovers. But his plan -- which entails a growing friendship with Pablo -- soon takes an unexpected turn. Though Laura still goes out with Bruno now and again, his sexuality comes into question in this Argentinean import from first-time director Marco Berger.
Undertow: Writer-director Javier Fuentes-León sets this offbeat romantic ghost story on the rough-hewn but gorgeous Peruvian coast, where a married fisherman must come to terms with his love for another man, despite the strict moral codes of his homeland. This winner of the World Cinema Audience Award: Dramatic at Sundance is a vivid examination of the ways in which affairs of the heart supersede social strictures and all other forms of logic.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Other Side of Stigma -or- How I as a minority managed my stigmatization
Recently,
I posted about being a racist.
Here is what I see as common stages that many minorities go through when dealing with their stigmatization:
Stage 1: You don’t know you are being stigmatized and take the unfair treatment personally. You may blame yourself for the negative reaction you are receiving and wonder what you said or did to offend. You may internalize the rejection and negative values of the larger group and may even start feeling inferior.
Stage 2: You realize that it's not about you at all but instead about being judged for something you have no control over - the color of your skin or how you look or your sexuality. You may be upset but still hoping for reconciliation with the larger group but are getting tired of the rejection.
Stage 3: You are so tired of being treated unfairly that you decide not to give them a chance to reject you anymore so you reject them before they can reject you. You have lost trust and start rejecting the larger group’s values.
Stage 4: You are more fully rejecting the majority's values and instead taking pride in your minority and embracing your minority's values. You may even start feeling superior to the majority.
Stage 5: You expect rejection and become militant in your outlook. You may not only feel superior; you may find justifications for rejecting the majority. You may seek an apology and even redress from the majority.
Stage 6: You encounter members of the majority who actually treat you equally but the hurt is still so fresh in your mind that you cannot accept their acceptance and instead eye everything they do with suspicion. You may be in a vicious circle where you are stuck in the past and can't move forward because the anger re-opens old wounds and the re-opened old wounds re-kindle the anger.
Stage 7: The acceptance of some members of the majority challenges you so much that you may let go of the fear of rejection long enough to realize that they may actually mean what they say. You may start questioning for the first time your rejection of the majority.
Stage 8: You realize that you are doing to "them" what they did to you. That is judging them based on something they have no control of such as skin color, how they look or their sexuality. You may feel ashamed for doing to them what they did to you.
Stage 9: You stop seeing them as members of the majority but instead as just people with good and bad traits and start judging each person based on the content of the their character instead of them being a member of the majority.
Stage 10: Enough of the majority welcomes the minority to the table that you start feeling like you belong. You may start identifying with the majority. In other words, you have arrived. The majority has invited you in and you have accepted. Done for long enough and that may result in the redefinition of who belongs to the majority and minority.
Remember how Michelle Obama was criticized for saying she felt proud of being an American for the first time after her husband got elected. I think what she was trying to say was that she felt proud of being just an American for the first time because before the election she had always felt like an American in waiting but America had embraced her husband so fully (see Stage 10) that she started feeling like she belonged; that she was no longer a not totally accepted member of her own country; but a fully accepted American.
That feeling of belonging and being just an American is something I felt for the very first time after that election, too. It’s a wonderful feeling.
But none of the above is new to these times. When Kennedy was elected, the Irish and Italians and Poles (i.e., white ethnics) felt they had won and probably many felt like just Americans for the first time, too.
Unfortunately, the politics that followed shortly after Obama’s election spoiled that feeling of belonging for many of us.
When I saw a lady on television cry out "I want our country back", I wondered if she thought people like Obama (and therefore people like me) had taken the country away from her and other Americans and that made me doubt her “our” included people like me.
So you see it's not just the majority that has issues with people being different.
And it's not just the majority that stereotypes or has to get over their stereotypes.
Regards,
Philip
Now
I’d like to flip it around and post about what it is like being a minority and
having to deal with a majority that treats you unfairly.
I’m
not saying all members of a minority have the same experience. What I am saying is that I think there are
common stages that a lot of minorities go through even if some may get stuck in
a certain stage or skip a stage or even go back and forth between stages.
I'm a gay Puerto Rican and I have gone through many of these stages and have seen other Hispanic and sexual "minorities" go through these stages so I know it's not just the majority that has problems with someone being different.
I'm a gay Puerto Rican and I have gone through many of these stages and have seen other Hispanic and sexual "minorities" go through these stages so I know it's not just the majority that has problems with someone being different.
Here is what I see as common stages that many minorities go through when dealing with their stigmatization:
Stage 1: You don’t know you are being stigmatized and take the unfair treatment personally. You may blame yourself for the negative reaction you are receiving and wonder what you said or did to offend. You may internalize the rejection and negative values of the larger group and may even start feeling inferior.
Stage 2: You realize that it's not about you at all but instead about being judged for something you have no control over - the color of your skin or how you look or your sexuality. You may be upset but still hoping for reconciliation with the larger group but are getting tired of the rejection.
Stage 3: You are so tired of being treated unfairly that you decide not to give them a chance to reject you anymore so you reject them before they can reject you. You have lost trust and start rejecting the larger group’s values.
Stage 4: You are more fully rejecting the majority's values and instead taking pride in your minority and embracing your minority's values. You may even start feeling superior to the majority.
Stage 5: You expect rejection and become militant in your outlook. You may not only feel superior; you may find justifications for rejecting the majority. You may seek an apology and even redress from the majority.
Stage 6: You encounter members of the majority who actually treat you equally but the hurt is still so fresh in your mind that you cannot accept their acceptance and instead eye everything they do with suspicion. You may be in a vicious circle where you are stuck in the past and can't move forward because the anger re-opens old wounds and the re-opened old wounds re-kindle the anger.
Stage 7: The acceptance of some members of the majority challenges you so much that you may let go of the fear of rejection long enough to realize that they may actually mean what they say. You may start questioning for the first time your rejection of the majority.
Stage 8: You realize that you are doing to "them" what they did to you. That is judging them based on something they have no control of such as skin color, how they look or their sexuality. You may feel ashamed for doing to them what they did to you.
Stage 9: You stop seeing them as members of the majority but instead as just people with good and bad traits and start judging each person based on the content of the their character instead of them being a member of the majority.
Stage 10: Enough of the majority welcomes the minority to the table that you start feeling like you belong. You may start identifying with the majority. In other words, you have arrived. The majority has invited you in and you have accepted. Done for long enough and that may result in the redefinition of who belongs to the majority and minority.
Remember how Michelle Obama was criticized for saying she felt proud of being an American for the first time after her husband got elected. I think what she was trying to say was that she felt proud of being just an American for the first time because before the election she had always felt like an American in waiting but America had embraced her husband so fully (see Stage 10) that she started feeling like she belonged; that she was no longer a not totally accepted member of her own country; but a fully accepted American.
That feeling of belonging and being just an American is something I felt for the very first time after that election, too. It’s a wonderful feeling.
But none of the above is new to these times. When Kennedy was elected, the Irish and Italians and Poles (i.e., white ethnics) felt they had won and probably many felt like just Americans for the first time, too.
Unfortunately, the politics that followed shortly after Obama’s election spoiled that feeling of belonging for many of us.
When I saw a lady on television cry out "I want our country back", I wondered if she thought people like Obama (and therefore people like me) had taken the country away from her and other Americans and that made me doubt her “our” included people like me.
So you see it's not just the majority that has issues with people being different.
And it's not just the majority that stereotypes or has to get over their stereotypes.
Regards,
Philip
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Two dreams....
I am in a warehouse.
It is a warehouse of old people.
Doctors and nurses are milling around going from patient to
patient. I look all around me. My eyes keep coming back to this one woman. She is somehow familiar. Her hair is grey and brittle; her breasts sag
underneath her sweater. I have never
seen this woman before but then I know who she is. She is my wife and she is waiting. Seems to me that she has been waiting all her
life. I realize I am lying in a
cot. I don’t feel any pain but I know I
am dying.
I ask God if in death will we finally find happiness. I wait but God does not answer. Then I know.
No, not even in death will we find happiness.
I wake up crying. But
after a while I am able to fall back asleep.
I am on the Burlington Northern train heading out of Chicago Berwyn
I wake up crying again. This time I am afraid to fall
back asleep. Daylight finally arrives
and I get up to start my day.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Race
I am a racist.
Not a George Wallace racist. I am more subtle than that. But a racist nonetheless.
I want to talk about it because I am not particularly proud of that fact.
Maybe I should back up a minute. I am a racist the way a lot of people are racists but never admit it. I am talking all kinds of people including people that don’t think of themselves as racists yet are.
Talking about racism is hard so sometimes I am going to talk about homophobia, a subject that’s easier for me to talk about because it’s not as controversial.
In fact, it was when I dealt with my homophobic feelings that I realized I was a racist. I am a homophobe, too. And I am gay but then I am dark skinned, too.
What makes me a racist?
I think what makes me a racist is that I still, despite knowing better, haven’t gotten beyond skin color.
Now I admit I have tried. I have even gone so far as to consider making friends with a black person in order to overcome my racial feelings but I live in Phoenix and with the exception of Salt Lake City there probably isn’t another large metropolitan area in the U.S. with fewer black people. What I am trying to say is that I want to make friends with a black person but it’s difficult to naturally form friendships with black people when you live in a town where you can go all day without seeing a black person. I mean I don’t want to make friends with a black person just because they are black. I want it to happen more naturally than that. I may be a racist but I’m not an insensitive racist.
But that’s getting off topic. What makes me a racist is that when I see a black person that is the first thing, the middle thing and the last thing I notice – that person’s skin color – and I know that’s not right. I should see the person first and the skin color should be secondary – it should be background music like his or her height or weight or shoe size.
What is the point of this whole post?
Well, I am making progress. Very slowly. And that progress emboldens me. It emboldens me so much that I am willing to risk being attacked for being racist in order to address my shortcomings.
And the fact that nobody reads my blog makes it easier for me to address this very sensitive issue.
What is this progress you might ask? OK, here goes. The last few years I have been experiencing something that I have never experienced before. I see a black person and sometimes, instead of that person’s skin color being the first thing that comes to mind, I see something else.
I’ll give you an example. Last summer I was waiting at a light and a jogger stopped just ahead of me. He took off his shirt and I saw a very trim body; no body fat. First, it was insane to be jogging in 115 degree heat but what was most strange about this experience is that something kept nagging me as I witnessed this young man strip off his shirt – I just couldn’t place what it was that was nagging me. Than it hit me. His skin was black. This European’s skin was black. And that is my breakthrough. Now every once in a while when I see a black person I see some other dimension than skin color and it takes a while to register that this person is African, too.
So my breakthrough is that I saw a European where before I would have seen an African or to be honest where I would have seen a black person. And it’s not about the skin color. It’s about the whole package. The whole package is that this person struck me as being European because he was so much more European than anything else that I didn’t see the anything else.
I don’t know what this says about me that I can forget a black person's skin color but only infrequently. I am almost afraid to ask.
But it is happening on a more frequent basis. I am use to this happening when it is a white person or Hispanic or Asian or a mixed person of Asian and white heritage or of Hispanic and white heritage but having this happen with a black person or a mixed person of African and white heritage is a fairly recent development.
I think this might be happening now because of all the Indians fromIndia Chicago
I guess I thought this old dog couldn’t learn new tricks but now I know this old dog can still learn new tricks and I want to.
But I know more progress needs to be made.
Why is it so hard to unlearn prejudice?
I think it is a trust thing. Intellectually I know it is wrong but emotionally I must still not trust black people enough to let go of the underlying fears (whatever those fears are these fears exist even if I am not conscious of them and don’t even know how they got there) long enough to stop bringing race to the forefront instead of leaving it in the background where it belongs.
Did I mention I am a dark skin person? And also gay? Well, I mentioned that because I have gotten over most of my homophobia in a natural way so in my mind what I did for homophobia I should also be able to do for racism.
What did I do? Well, I am a masculine gay man and for years I felt uncomfortable around effeminate gay men. Get an effeminate gay man around me and all I would notice was his hand flurries and the way he moved his hips and the voice, especially the voice, and I never, ever got beyond the fact that he was effeminate. I wasn’t proud of how I felt even though all my masculine gay buddies felt as much or more disdain than I did. They may have thought it was OK but I knew it was not OK even if I felt just as uncomfortable as they did. Because after all how could I as a gay man expect to be treated equally by straight people when I had disdain for other gay people. I mean I can’t actually demand respect when I was not giving it. Yet I didn’t know how to let go of whatever it was that kept me from accepting my effeminate brothers as equals. Fortunately for me, my best friend had an effeminate gay lover that cut my hair. So every six or seven weeks I would sit down and talk to this effeminate guy with his flurry of hands and his sashaying hips and listen to that voice. And what I found was a real human being. Someone constantly stared at even when doing mundane things like grocery shopping. Someone afraid to go into a men’s locker room. I listened to him and laughed and joked and then one day, after months of getting my hair cut by him, I trusted him enough to let go of my fear of effeminate men (and who would have guess that a masculine man like me had a fear of effeminate men) long enough to start hearing what he had to say. All I know is that one day all this static (“look at this hands flurrying”, “look at his hips sashaying”, that voice, omg, that voice) was gone and Chris (that’s what his name was) started coming through loud and clear. I realized I was hearing Chris so much better because the static I had never before been aware of was gone. I was really hearing Chris for the first time. But get this. It didn’t happen overnight. It took time. Lots of time. But it was so worth the time and effort. It was and is so liberating.
And that’s what I want to do with black people. I want to rid myself of all that static. But I am not there yet. I guess that won’t happen until I make friends with a black person and then only if I have enough patience to give me enough time to trust enough to let go of that fear whatever it is. But it has to happen naturally. I won’t make friends with a black person just to get over my racism. That’s like making a friend with an effeminate guy just to get over my homophobia. That’s just too insensitive. I couldn’t do that to anyone even for a good cause.
But on the other hand, if some straight guy said to me “Phil, I like you but I want you to know that I am having trouble getting over the fact that you are gay” then I think I would react positively because I would know he was trying and there was a good chance of success. However, I don’t think I would feel the same way if a white guy said to me that he liked me but that he wanted me to know that he was having trouble getting over the fact that I was Puerto Rican. I know I would have more trouble with that because I would be thinking of my half Puerto Rican kids.
I guess that’s why talking about racism is more difficult to talk about than homophobia. And why I am more willing to accept prejudice in others when it comes to my sexuality then when it comes to my ethnicity. Because more often with race or ethnicity than with homosexuality it impacts people we love; people we love more than ourselves.
So my long range goal is not to become color blind but to have a person’s skin color just be another factor like hair or eye color or masculinity/femininity. I just wish I could hurry the process along.
Because I know the person that would benefit the most if I could overcome my shortcomings would be me. It would be so liberating.
Any thoughts?
Not a George Wallace racist. I am more subtle than that. But a racist nonetheless.
I want to talk about it because I am not particularly proud of that fact.
Maybe I should back up a minute. I am a racist the way a lot of people are racists but never admit it. I am talking all kinds of people including people that don’t think of themselves as racists yet are.
Talking about racism is hard so sometimes I am going to talk about homophobia, a subject that’s easier for me to talk about because it’s not as controversial.
In fact, it was when I dealt with my homophobic feelings that I realized I was a racist. I am a homophobe, too. And I am gay but then I am dark skinned, too.
What makes me a racist?
I think what makes me a racist is that I still, despite knowing better, haven’t gotten beyond skin color.
Now I admit I have tried. I have even gone so far as to consider making friends with a black person in order to overcome my racial feelings but I live in Phoenix and with the exception of Salt Lake City there probably isn’t another large metropolitan area in the U.S. with fewer black people. What I am trying to say is that I want to make friends with a black person but it’s difficult to naturally form friendships with black people when you live in a town where you can go all day without seeing a black person. I mean I don’t want to make friends with a black person just because they are black. I want it to happen more naturally than that. I may be a racist but I’m not an insensitive racist.
But that’s getting off topic. What makes me a racist is that when I see a black person that is the first thing, the middle thing and the last thing I notice – that person’s skin color – and I know that’s not right. I should see the person first and the skin color should be secondary – it should be background music like his or her height or weight or shoe size.
What is the point of this whole post?
Well, I am making progress. Very slowly. And that progress emboldens me. It emboldens me so much that I am willing to risk being attacked for being racist in order to address my shortcomings.
And the fact that nobody reads my blog makes it easier for me to address this very sensitive issue.
What is this progress you might ask? OK, here goes. The last few years I have been experiencing something that I have never experienced before. I see a black person and sometimes, instead of that person’s skin color being the first thing that comes to mind, I see something else.
I’ll give you an example. Last summer I was waiting at a light and a jogger stopped just ahead of me. He took off his shirt and I saw a very trim body; no body fat. First, it was insane to be jogging in 115 degree heat but what was most strange about this experience is that something kept nagging me as I witnessed this young man strip off his shirt – I just couldn’t place what it was that was nagging me. Than it hit me. His skin was black. This European’s skin was black. And that is my breakthrough. Now every once in a while when I see a black person I see some other dimension than skin color and it takes a while to register that this person is African, too.
So my breakthrough is that I saw a European where before I would have seen an African or to be honest where I would have seen a black person. And it’s not about the skin color. It’s about the whole package. The whole package is that this person struck me as being European because he was so much more European than anything else that I didn’t see the anything else.
I don’t know what this says about me that I can forget a black person's skin color but only infrequently. I am almost afraid to ask.
But it is happening on a more frequent basis. I am use to this happening when it is a white person or Hispanic or Asian or a mixed person of Asian and white heritage or of Hispanic and white heritage but having this happen with a black person or a mixed person of African and white heritage is a fairly recent development.
I think this might be happening now because of all the Indians from
I guess I thought this old dog couldn’t learn new tricks but now I know this old dog can still learn new tricks and I want to.
But I know more progress needs to be made.
Why is it so hard to unlearn prejudice?
I think it is a trust thing. Intellectually I know it is wrong but emotionally I must still not trust black people enough to let go of the underlying fears (whatever those fears are these fears exist even if I am not conscious of them and don’t even know how they got there) long enough to stop bringing race to the forefront instead of leaving it in the background where it belongs.
Did I mention I am a dark skin person? And also gay? Well, I mentioned that because I have gotten over most of my homophobia in a natural way so in my mind what I did for homophobia I should also be able to do for racism.
What did I do? Well, I am a masculine gay man and for years I felt uncomfortable around effeminate gay men. Get an effeminate gay man around me and all I would notice was his hand flurries and the way he moved his hips and the voice, especially the voice, and I never, ever got beyond the fact that he was effeminate. I wasn’t proud of how I felt even though all my masculine gay buddies felt as much or more disdain than I did. They may have thought it was OK but I knew it was not OK even if I felt just as uncomfortable as they did. Because after all how could I as a gay man expect to be treated equally by straight people when I had disdain for other gay people. I mean I can’t actually demand respect when I was not giving it. Yet I didn’t know how to let go of whatever it was that kept me from accepting my effeminate brothers as equals. Fortunately for me, my best friend had an effeminate gay lover that cut my hair. So every six or seven weeks I would sit down and talk to this effeminate guy with his flurry of hands and his sashaying hips and listen to that voice. And what I found was a real human being. Someone constantly stared at even when doing mundane things like grocery shopping. Someone afraid to go into a men’s locker room. I listened to him and laughed and joked and then one day, after months of getting my hair cut by him, I trusted him enough to let go of my fear of effeminate men (and who would have guess that a masculine man like me had a fear of effeminate men) long enough to start hearing what he had to say. All I know is that one day all this static (“look at this hands flurrying”, “look at his hips sashaying”, that voice, omg, that voice) was gone and Chris (that’s what his name was) started coming through loud and clear. I realized I was hearing Chris so much better because the static I had never before been aware of was gone. I was really hearing Chris for the first time. But get this. It didn’t happen overnight. It took time. Lots of time. But it was so worth the time and effort. It was and is so liberating.
And that’s what I want to do with black people. I want to rid myself of all that static. But I am not there yet. I guess that won’t happen until I make friends with a black person and then only if I have enough patience to give me enough time to trust enough to let go of that fear whatever it is. But it has to happen naturally. I won’t make friends with a black person just to get over my racism. That’s like making a friend with an effeminate guy just to get over my homophobia. That’s just too insensitive. I couldn’t do that to anyone even for a good cause.
But on the other hand, if some straight guy said to me “Phil, I like you but I want you to know that I am having trouble getting over the fact that you are gay” then I think I would react positively because I would know he was trying and there was a good chance of success. However, I don’t think I would feel the same way if a white guy said to me that he liked me but that he wanted me to know that he was having trouble getting over the fact that I was Puerto Rican. I know I would have more trouble with that because I would be thinking of my half Puerto Rican kids.
I guess that’s why talking about racism is more difficult to talk about than homophobia. And why I am more willing to accept prejudice in others when it comes to my sexuality then when it comes to my ethnicity. Because more often with race or ethnicity than with homosexuality it impacts people we love; people we love more than ourselves.
So my long range goal is not to become color blind but to have a person’s skin color just be another factor like hair or eye color or masculinity/femininity. I just wish I could hurry the process along.
Because I know the person that would benefit the most if I could overcome my shortcomings would be me. It would be so liberating.
Any thoughts?
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Deja Vu...all over again
I was in our local bookstore.
I knew what he was up to the moment I saw him.
He was off to the side but staring intently at the Culture Studies section. Since he didn't look Hispanic or Asian or African American and he wasn't a woman then it must be the GLBT shelf.
I am intimately familiar with that shelf. It is two-thirds full of titles mostly written 10 or more years ago.
The GLBT shelf had been my destination. I changed direction and headed towards the Bargain section. I didn't want my presence scaring him off. I noticed the slight build and youthful clothes. I purposely didn't look at his face.
Later on while in the bargain section trying to convince myself to buy another book I will probably never read, "blue shirt" walked by and stood in the cashier line. Impulsively I grabbed my $4.98 special and got in line behind him. He was holding a tradebook in his hand with the title face down. I watched him make his purchase. His voice held but his hands gave away his nervousness. Or was it my over-active imagination at work? I watched the young man walk away. Seemed to me that his pace quickened as he neared the door. The cashier was talking to me. I was being rude and turned my attention away from the young man. I held eye contact with the cashier longer than I should have. He gave me a half smile. Here was a kindred spirit. I wondered if he was thinking of what had just transpired, too.
When I got outside I felt silly but searched for the young man. He was gone. As I waited for my ride, I couldn't help but think of another young man long ago and how that young man's heart had pounded while making his purchase and the relief he had felt when the cashier nonchalantly rang up and bagged the purchase without accusation. I can even remember the title. "Men on Men", the first in a wonderful series. My ride arrived.
Later on while in the bargain section trying to convince myself to buy another book I will probably never read, "blue shirt" walked by and stood in the cashier line. Impulsively I grabbed my $4.98 special and got in line behind him. He was holding a tradebook in his hand with the title face down. I watched him make his purchase. His voice held but his hands gave away his nervousness. Or was it my over-active imagination at work? I watched the young man walk away. Seemed to me that his pace quickened as he neared the door. The cashier was talking to me. I was being rude and turned my attention away from the young man. I held eye contact with the cashier longer than I should have. He gave me a half smile. Here was a kindred spirit. I wondered if he was thinking of what had just transpired, too.
When I got outside I felt silly but searched for the young man. He was gone. As I waited for my ride, I couldn't help but think of another young man long ago and how that young man's heart had pounded while making his purchase and the relief he had felt when the cashier nonchalantly rang up and bagged the purchase without accusation. I can even remember the title. "Men on Men", the first in a wonderful series. My ride arrived.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Depression
I don't know what is going on.
He use to work far from where we live so I never got to see him but then he was in between jobs and we started spending a lot of time together.
Then he got a job where I worked and for a while we met on breaks and went to lunch and talked almost every day.
And we both belong to the same gym so we started working out together once or twice a week.
I enjoy being around him so I'm at a loss as to why recently I have also felt depressed.
I am sure people think we are a couple even though we are not. I didn't think it bothered me what people thought; not even the guys at the gym. The way I see it - I know what we are to each other and we are just friends. But I have to admit that we have a closer friendship than most guys.
But something is bothering me enough that I am fighting this depression for at least two weeks.
And, except for the occasional gay pon farr, I almost never get depressed for more than a couple of hours.
I was thinking I would just wait this feeling out but then what's a blog for if not to talk about the things bothering you.
At least I got it off my chest.
Maybe tomorrow the depression will lift.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Looking for Best Practices....
In the last year I have gotten a lot of positive feedback about the weight I lost and how healthy I look.
Quite a few people wanted to know what I all had to do.
So I put together an email that I sent out to a few people.
I am posting this email here not because I think my advice is so wonderful but
because these are my best practices and I am wondering if the folks still
reading my blog might have a few suggestions on what else I could do or
how I could improve on what I am already doing.
Here is my email (let me know what you think).... What I did to get healthier:
#1 - Taking responsibility I took control of my health after a misdiagnosis that my doctor was unwilling to acknowledge. I should have never turned complete control of my health over to someone else and I should have never been so passive as to let him dismiss my concerns the way he did.
#2 - Changing focus Previously my goals had always been to lose weight. Now my goal was to get healthy. This change in focus had a dramatic effect on what I did. My new focus forced me to learn what makes a person healthy and how a person should go about getting healthier and this knowledge is now paying off big time because, instead of just doing something temporary (like lose weight), I am doing things that will have a long term positive effect and the lifestyle changes I have made will allow me to maintain what I have gained. Plus, I feel empowered by this knowledge.
# 3 - Knowing my numbers Knowing what my numbers were and what that meant gave me the necessary motivation to be persistent even when I fell off the wagon or was not making progress. Knowing how my numbers have changed and what they should or could be gives me inspiration to try harder.
#4 - Keeping a food diary Keep a food diary forced me to think about what I was going to eat and and honestly the guilt I felt when I thought about eating something unhealthy made it easier for me not to eat those things. Also, documenting how I felt before and after meals helped me analyze my eating habits and figure out what I was doing wrong and what I could do to fix it. Also, I tracked my daily goals in my food diary and having goals that could be accomplished in a single day made it possible for me to gradually and easily improve my health overtime. It would have been overwhelming if I had attempted to accomplish too much too quickly.
# 5 - Monitoring my progress Fortunately for me, my Company has provided employees with a Wellness Center where I was able to go to get my blood pressure and blood sugar tested on a regular basis and that monitoring combined with my food diary made it possible for to figure out what foods caused my blood pressure or blood sugar to spike. I also get blood work done on a quarterly basis and track my progress by keeping a copies of the results.
# 6 - Losing weight slowly - at most 1 to 2 pounds a week This was actually difficult for me to do at the beginning because I was impatient and have always been able to lost weight quickly but losing weight slowly allowed my body to recover plus losing weight too quickly results in muscle loss which you want to avoid. Giving your body time to rebound becomes increasingly important the older you get.
# 7 - Exercising on a regular basis I started off slowly and gradually increased. I listened to my body. What works best for me is to do things I enjoy and to keep to a schedule. In other words, I blocked the same time every week for exercise. I also made goals. I try to have at least one goal that can be attained fairly quickly and a stretch goal that takes time. For instance, my first goal was to climb a single flight of stairs without getting out of breath and my first stretch goal was to be able to walk for a half hour without having to rest. For most people, walking half an hour 5 times a week is a good place to start.
# 8 - Using the Internet to get information on foods that are good for you and what makes one healthier What makes a person healthier varies from person to person so it's important to combine monitoring with whatever you do.
Here are some of the things I do almost on a daily basis to get healthier:
- Read food labels to avoid trans fat
- Never skip breakfast
- Use sun crystals instead of sugar or sugar substitutes like splenda
- No junk, processed or fried foods
- No salting food and avoid salty foods
- Eat a handful of walnuts or almonds
- Eat lots more vegetables and fruits and less meat. I still eat too much meat but I try to make my dinner plate about a third vegetables, a third carbs and a third meat. Recommended portions are 1/2 vegetables, 1/4 grains, 1/4 meat and some dairy (for instance, a glass of milk or serving of yogurt).
- Eat lean meats
- Eat fish at least twice a week especially fish high in omega-3 like salmon
- Drink water before meals to cut down on my hunger (I no longer do this because I don't let myself get too hungry before I eat)
- 64 ounces of water each day to flush out the system
- a piece of dark chocolate (76 percent or greater cocoa)
- potassium in the form of apples, pears, oranges, avocados, sweet potatoes or carrots
- do some form of exercise almost every day
- 1-2 tablespoons of flaxseed
- oatmeal
- cinnamon
- blueberries
- cranberry juice
- 8 hours sleep
- do aerobics and weight train because the combination is better than doing just aerobics or just weight lifting
- curtail restaurant food (restaurants often serve food high in calories for the taste factor to keep patrons coming back)
- when we go out to eat, I eat 1/2 if the order is too big and I try to find items on the menu that are baked or grilled instead of fried.
- I eat only until I am satisfied and not until I am full like I use to
- I eat every four hours or so because by eating more frequently I never get so hungry that I end up overeating
- I always eat a protein with carbs so my sugar doesn't spike
- I take supplements
- I limit my coffee intake because some studies show coffee is good while other studies showed just the opposite
- I eat healthy fats like the fat in nuts
- I drink a glass of red wine
- I avoid foods labeled non-fat or low fat except non-fat greek yogurt because of the way it is processed
So OK...does anyone have any suggestions on what more I could do?
Regards,
Philip
Here is my email (let me know what you think).... What I did to get healthier:
#1 - Taking responsibility I took control of my health after a misdiagnosis that my doctor was unwilling to acknowledge. I should have never turned complete control of my health over to someone else and I should have never been so passive as to let him dismiss my concerns the way he did.
#2 - Changing focus Previously my goals had always been to lose weight. Now my goal was to get healthy. This change in focus had a dramatic effect on what I did. My new focus forced me to learn what makes a person healthy and how a person should go about getting healthier and this knowledge is now paying off big time because, instead of just doing something temporary (like lose weight), I am doing things that will have a long term positive effect and the lifestyle changes I have made will allow me to maintain what I have gained. Plus, I feel empowered by this knowledge.
# 3 - Knowing my numbers Knowing what my numbers were and what that meant gave me the necessary motivation to be persistent even when I fell off the wagon or was not making progress. Knowing how my numbers have changed and what they should or could be gives me inspiration to try harder.
#4 - Keeping a food diary Keep a food diary forced me to think about what I was going to eat and and honestly the guilt I felt when I thought about eating something unhealthy made it easier for me not to eat those things. Also, documenting how I felt before and after meals helped me analyze my eating habits and figure out what I was doing wrong and what I could do to fix it. Also, I tracked my daily goals in my food diary and having goals that could be accomplished in a single day made it possible for me to gradually and easily improve my health overtime. It would have been overwhelming if I had attempted to accomplish too much too quickly.
# 5 - Monitoring my progress Fortunately for me, my Company has provided employees with a Wellness Center where I was able to go to get my blood pressure and blood sugar tested on a regular basis and that monitoring combined with my food diary made it possible for to figure out what foods caused my blood pressure or blood sugar to spike. I also get blood work done on a quarterly basis and track my progress by keeping a copies of the results.
# 6 - Losing weight slowly - at most 1 to 2 pounds a week This was actually difficult for me to do at the beginning because I was impatient and have always been able to lost weight quickly but losing weight slowly allowed my body to recover plus losing weight too quickly results in muscle loss which you want to avoid. Giving your body time to rebound becomes increasingly important the older you get.
# 7 - Exercising on a regular basis I started off slowly and gradually increased. I listened to my body. What works best for me is to do things I enjoy and to keep to a schedule. In other words, I blocked the same time every week for exercise. I also made goals. I try to have at least one goal that can be attained fairly quickly and a stretch goal that takes time. For instance, my first goal was to climb a single flight of stairs without getting out of breath and my first stretch goal was to be able to walk for a half hour without having to rest. For most people, walking half an hour 5 times a week is a good place to start.
# 8 - Using the Internet to get information on foods that are good for you and what makes one healthier What makes a person healthier varies from person to person so it's important to combine monitoring with whatever you do.
Here are some of the things I do almost on a daily basis to get healthier:
- Read food labels to avoid trans fat
- Never skip breakfast
- Use sun crystals instead of sugar or sugar substitutes like splenda
- No junk, processed or fried foods
- No salting food and avoid salty foods
- Eat a handful of walnuts or almonds
- Eat lots more vegetables and fruits and less meat. I still eat too much meat but I try to make my dinner plate about a third vegetables, a third carbs and a third meat. Recommended portions are 1/2 vegetables, 1/4 grains, 1/4 meat and some dairy (for instance, a glass of milk or serving of yogurt).
- Eat lean meats
- Eat fish at least twice a week especially fish high in omega-3 like salmon
- Drink water before meals to cut down on my hunger (I no longer do this because I don't let myself get too hungry before I eat)
- 64 ounces of water each day to flush out the system
- a piece of dark chocolate (76 percent or greater cocoa)
- potassium in the form of apples, pears, oranges, avocados, sweet potatoes or carrots
- do some form of exercise almost every day
- 1-2 tablespoons of flaxseed
- oatmeal
- cinnamon
- blueberries
- cranberry juice
- 8 hours sleep
- do aerobics and weight train because the combination is better than doing just aerobics or just weight lifting
- curtail restaurant food (restaurants often serve food high in calories for the taste factor to keep patrons coming back)
- when we go out to eat, I eat 1/2 if the order is too big and I try to find items on the menu that are baked or grilled instead of fried.
- I eat only until I am satisfied and not until I am full like I use to
- I eat every four hours or so because by eating more frequently I never get so hungry that I end up overeating
- I always eat a protein with carbs so my sugar doesn't spike
- I take supplements
- I limit my coffee intake because some studies show coffee is good while other studies showed just the opposite
- I eat healthy fats like the fat in nuts
- I drink a glass of red wine
- I avoid foods labeled non-fat or low fat except non-fat greek yogurt because of the way it is processed
So OK...does anyone have any suggestions on what more I could do?
Regards,
Philip
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Bitter....
I am feeling quite bitter right now.
Not bitter in that I hate the world but bitter in that I hate where I am at but I am unwilling to do anything that will change the status quo so I am bitter at my own ineptitude or limits or inability or whatever the right term is.
In other words, I am resigned to the fact that as long as I am married that I won't be able to do any better than what I am already doing yet I continue to refuse to end my marriage and am seemingly unable to make peace with what comes with staying faithful in a heterosexual marriage.
In other words, I yearn for game change because the rules of the game I am in are stacked against me. Play fair and lose. Cheat and lose. It makes me want to give up trying but I can't. That is the nature of humans I guess - not to give up.
I am bitter at the hopelessness of it and not being able to come to terms with the hopelessness and because my way of coping with it is to keep trying even when I know there is no hope.
Let me explain what I am going through by means of a few examples that happened this week.
First, there is my best friend. We worked out at the gym together this week. I loved working out with him but I have such mixed feelings about him. Emotionally being with him feeds my soul but no matter how much time we spend together I still end up feeling starved. It's like being around him just makes it more evident of how emotionally starved I am. I am not just starving for sex. I am starving for intimacy, as well.
Then there is a new coworker I met this week. I don't know why but every time I was around this guy I felt like a schoolboy (or better yet a schoolgirl). I don't know what it is about him but I forget to breathe when I am around him. And what is really weirding me out is that I am getting mixed signals from him. I am sure most of it is in my head but I am also sure not all of it is imagined. For instance, there is a lot of tension going on between the two of us and not all of it is coming from me.
Lastly, I am reading 'Olive Kitteridge' a book of short stories and Olive reminds me a whole lot of my wife and Henry (steadfast Henry) sure sounds a whole lot like me. You see Olive is kind of mean and lots of people just don't get why such a nice guy like Henry puts up with Olive. Well, I can tell them. Because Henry knows Olive is not really mean (well maybe a little bit) plus he loves Olive.
I just finished the short story that has to do with Olive's reaction to Henry's failing health. Olive is trying to be brave and face the truth that soon Henry will be gone and she can't understand why she just can't accept this because, after all, death is part of life. Olive is evolving. She is very, very slowly opening herself up to her own feelings.
And this is what I think it will take for my wife. For me to die first before she finds herself forced to finally look at her feelings, at what we meant to one another. Of course, by then it will be too late. I won't be around to talk to. I won't be around for her to share her feelings with me. I guess you can say that her window of opportunity is the next ten, twenty, or whatever years of marriage that we have left and that window of opportunity will be over before she knows it.
I just recently celebrated a birthday and my only gift request was that each day she share one heartfelt thought with me and do that for one year. I told her that I would understand if she couldn't do that but that if she couldn't do it that I would prefer she say nothing then to say she couldn't or wouldn't do it. My birthday came and went and, of course, I heard nothing about my birthday wish. I will make the same request for Christmas and all gift exchanging events going forward until the day one of us dies or she surprises me. If she's never able to grant me this wish then I want her to regret never having granted me this one wish after I am gone.
Did I forget to mention that I am feeling quite bitter right now.
In other words, I am resigned to the fact that as long as I am married that I won't be able to do any better than what I am already doing yet I continue to refuse to end my marriage and am seemingly unable to make peace with what comes with staying faithful in a heterosexual marriage.
In other words, I yearn for game change because the rules of the game I am in are stacked against me. Play fair and lose. Cheat and lose. It makes me want to give up trying but I can't. That is the nature of humans I guess - not to give up.
I am bitter at the hopelessness of it and not being able to come to terms with the hopelessness and because my way of coping with it is to keep trying even when I know there is no hope.
Let me explain what I am going through by means of a few examples that happened this week.
First, there is my best friend. We worked out at the gym together this week. I loved working out with him but I have such mixed feelings about him. Emotionally being with him feeds my soul but no matter how much time we spend together I still end up feeling starved. It's like being around him just makes it more evident of how emotionally starved I am. I am not just starving for sex. I am starving for intimacy, as well.
Then there is a new coworker I met this week. I don't know why but every time I was around this guy I felt like a schoolboy (or better yet a schoolgirl). I don't know what it is about him but I forget to breathe when I am around him. And what is really weirding me out is that I am getting mixed signals from him. I am sure most of it is in my head but I am also sure not all of it is imagined. For instance, there is a lot of tension going on between the two of us and not all of it is coming from me.
Lastly, I am reading 'Olive Kitteridge' a book of short stories and Olive reminds me a whole lot of my wife and Henry (steadfast Henry) sure sounds a whole lot like me. You see Olive is kind of mean and lots of people just don't get why such a nice guy like Henry puts up with Olive. Well, I can tell them. Because Henry knows Olive is not really mean (well maybe a little bit) plus he loves Olive.
I just finished the short story that has to do with Olive's reaction to Henry's failing health. Olive is trying to be brave and face the truth that soon Henry will be gone and she can't understand why she just can't accept this because, after all, death is part of life. Olive is evolving. She is very, very slowly opening herself up to her own feelings.
And this is what I think it will take for my wife. For me to die first before she finds herself forced to finally look at her feelings, at what we meant to one another. Of course, by then it will be too late. I won't be around to talk to. I won't be around for her to share her feelings with me. I guess you can say that her window of opportunity is the next ten, twenty, or whatever years of marriage that we have left and that window of opportunity will be over before she knows it.
I just recently celebrated a birthday and my only gift request was that each day she share one heartfelt thought with me and do that for one year. I told her that I would understand if she couldn't do that but that if she couldn't do it that I would prefer she say nothing then to say she couldn't or wouldn't do it. My birthday came and went and, of course, I heard nothing about my birthday wish. I will make the same request for Christmas and all gift exchanging events going forward until the day one of us dies or she surprises me. If she's never able to grant me this wish then I want her to regret never having granted me this one wish after I am gone.
Did I forget to mention that I am feeling quite bitter right now.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Now that I'm fast approaching 60.....
When I reached a certain age, I started inserting into sentences variations of “Now that I’m (fill in the age)” or “For an old guy” as a way of making light of something I was not crazy about (getting older…OK, I’ll say it…old). Qualifying my sentences that way started happening with greater and greater frequency then one day I heard myself saying “Now that I’m approaching 60”. To be honest I thought what I was doing was good. In my mind I was accepting aging in a realistic fashion. That is until I realized I was taking it too far.
I was standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on and thinking “God, I look kind of hot” (lost a lot of weight lately and started working out again) then I couldn’t help adding “for an old man”. That was OK. But it was what I thought next that took me by surprise. I noticed the hint of abs and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if for the first time in my life I could have abs, even a six pack?” which was quickly followed by “Don’t be silly. You’re fast approaching 60. Sixty year olds don’t think about abs. You’re too old for abs.” This is when the proverbial lightbulb went off. For months but especially the last six months I have been thinking about my age a lot without ever really questioning what I was thinking. But this time what I thought made me realize how self-defeating many of these thoughts were. I decided right then and there to get an attitude adjustment. Stealing from an old Tina Turner classic, a tape in my head started playing “What does age have to do with it?”.
Which brings me to where I am now. I am still working on my attitude adjustment. I have gone through several iterations. For now I am sticking to “I am going to live forever.” Which strikes me as a line stolen from yet another song. I know I am not going to live forever but most likely I will live twenty more years and with luck I might live thirty even forty years. That’s a long time. I can get a lot of things done in that time. True, I will have to cut back as time goes on. But what’s wrong with thinking “I am going to live forever” if it helps me to keep moving forward? Isn’t it better to be disappointed when I fail or not be able to finish then to not try at all?
Do you have any views on getting older? I’m surely not the only one trying to figure out how to deal with this reality.
I was standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on and thinking “God, I look kind of hot” (lost a lot of weight lately and started working out again) then I couldn’t help adding “for an old man”. That was OK. But it was what I thought next that took me by surprise. I noticed the hint of abs and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if for the first time in my life I could have abs, even a six pack?” which was quickly followed by “Don’t be silly. You’re fast approaching 60. Sixty year olds don’t think about abs. You’re too old for abs.” This is when the proverbial lightbulb went off. For months but especially the last six months I have been thinking about my age a lot without ever really questioning what I was thinking. But this time what I thought made me realize how self-defeating many of these thoughts were. I decided right then and there to get an attitude adjustment. Stealing from an old Tina Turner classic, a tape in my head started playing “What does age have to do with it?”.
Which brings me to where I am now. I am still working on my attitude adjustment. I have gone through several iterations. For now I am sticking to “I am going to live forever.” Which strikes me as a line stolen from yet another song. I know I am not going to live forever but most likely I will live twenty more years and with luck I might live thirty even forty years. That’s a long time. I can get a lot of things done in that time. True, I will have to cut back as time goes on. But what’s wrong with thinking “I am going to live forever” if it helps me to keep moving forward? Isn’t it better to be disappointed when I fail or not be able to finish then to not try at all?
Do you have any views on getting older? I’m surely not the only one trying to figure out how to deal with this reality.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Not sure how to Act
I don't know if anyone still reads my blog but I could use some advice.
My best friend lost his job. This is his third layoff in five years.
Each time I don't know how to act. Each time it's a little worse than before because he is older. The only good thing this time around is that the economy has improved a little since the last time.
I have trouble knowing how to act when people need to be lifted up. I'm great at letting someone cry on my shoulder or vent. I'm good at listening. But I am lousy at cheering people up; making them look at the bright side of things. I can't seem to just focus on the positive. I always have to acknowledge the bad with the good.
His "job situation" hangs over our friendship. It's like the unspoken topic in every one of our conversations.
I guess the way I see it...I am the one with the problem...I am uncomfortable and I don't know what to say -and- worse of all, I feel like I am not being a good friend.
Here is how bad it has gotten....I catch myself complaining about work or talking about retirement and change the subject because I don't want to rub it in his face that I have a job and he doesn't or I can think about retirement when he can't.
But what I am hating about myself is that I am sort of avoiding him a little. What kind of friend am I?
And it doesn't help that there is always this sexual tension between us. He knows I am monogamous and respects that -but- the tension is still there.
Here is the real problem...(took me writing this post to figure it out)...
He is understandably very vunerable and part of me wants to let my guard down and be there for him -but- part of me is scared that I won't have the discipline to not let things get out of control.
I am afraid of the caged beast breaking free.
Regards,
Philip
My best friend lost his job. This is his third layoff in five years.
Each time I don't know how to act. Each time it's a little worse than before because he is older. The only good thing this time around is that the economy has improved a little since the last time.
I have trouble knowing how to act when people need to be lifted up. I'm great at letting someone cry on my shoulder or vent. I'm good at listening. But I am lousy at cheering people up; making them look at the bright side of things. I can't seem to just focus on the positive. I always have to acknowledge the bad with the good.
His "job situation" hangs over our friendship. It's like the unspoken topic in every one of our conversations.
I guess the way I see it...I am the one with the problem...I am uncomfortable and I don't know what to say -and- worse of all, I feel like I am not being a good friend.
Here is how bad it has gotten....I catch myself complaining about work or talking about retirement and change the subject because I don't want to rub it in his face that I have a job and he doesn't or I can think about retirement when he can't.
But what I am hating about myself is that I am sort of avoiding him a little. What kind of friend am I?
And it doesn't help that there is always this sexual tension between us. He knows I am monogamous and respects that -but- the tension is still there.
Here is the real problem...(took me writing this post to figure it out)...
He is understandably very vunerable and part of me wants to let my guard down and be there for him -but- part of me is scared that I won't have the discipline to not let things get out of control.
I am afraid of the caged beast breaking free.
Regards,
Philip
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Bear of a day
I wasn't very nice to my wife today.
I'm a walking weather report. When the temperature drops dramatically, I get depressed. When it heats up dramatically, I get the fever (like in sexual fever).
This week the temperature has been up and down and up and down and I was a bear all day.
Finally I apologized to my wife but by then it was too late - the day was totally ruined.
Usually the only person I can talk to about my feelings is my wife but today the last person I wanted to talk to about my feelings was my wife.
And not just because of the obvious reason...
My wife doesn't talk much and she rarely talks about feelings while I can't seem to shut up and what I mostly talk about is feelings.
I know my wife loves me but I often feel alone in our marriage. I feel the need to have someone in my life that is actually interested in what I have to say and not just listening out of a sense of duty.
My wife says that's not true. That she is interested but it's just that I go on and on and on. It's too much. I am too emotional.
At the same time, I don't feel alive unless I am emoting (is there such a word?) freely.
And the truth is that I am not some crazy emoter. I don't think I'm all that unusual.
So I was not just feeling frustrated; I was also feeling stifled. I feel stifled all the time.
But because I didn't want to ruin her day I didn't talk to her about it and ended up ruining her day anyway.
Now that I have brought it up - those complaints are now banging around in my head. "It's too much. I am too emotional. I go on and on."
What my wife sees as a weakness (I am too emotional) is really a dominant part of who I am. When she complains that it's too much, what I hear is rejection of the only real way I have of connecting to her. I feel my way of connecting is blocked.
I tell her this but she either can't or won't hear it.
I have a friend. I call him on days like today. But my wife doesn't like me talking to him. I don't blame her because she knows my friend and I have a mutual attraction.
But I would have called him anyway today because today was one of those days. Except that things have been real awkward between us for the last several weeks.
He recently lost his job and now I get real uncomfortable talking to him because I never know what to say or how to act.
You see I keep an emotional distance between us so as not to give my wife anything to worry about. But with him feeling all sorts of emotions and being so vunerable, I am finding it impossible to be there for him and still keep that emotional distance so I'm being a coward and sort of avoiding him.
So if I can't be there for him when he needs me then I feel it would be unfair of me to expect him to be there for me when I need him especially since my problems are so minor by comparison.
But I sure wish I had had someone to talk to today.
That is why gentle reader I am writing this post.
You are my listener today. I am feeling better. Thanks for listening.
Regards,
Philip
I'm a walking weather report. When the temperature drops dramatically, I get depressed. When it heats up dramatically, I get the fever (like in sexual fever).
This week the temperature has been up and down and up and down and I was a bear all day.
Finally I apologized to my wife but by then it was too late - the day was totally ruined.
Usually the only person I can talk to about my feelings is my wife but today the last person I wanted to talk to about my feelings was my wife.
And not just because of the obvious reason...
My wife doesn't talk much and she rarely talks about feelings while I can't seem to shut up and what I mostly talk about is feelings.
I know my wife loves me but I often feel alone in our marriage. I feel the need to have someone in my life that is actually interested in what I have to say and not just listening out of a sense of duty.
My wife says that's not true. That she is interested but it's just that I go on and on and on. It's too much. I am too emotional.
At the same time, I don't feel alive unless I am emoting (is there such a word?) freely.
And the truth is that I am not some crazy emoter. I don't think I'm all that unusual.
So I was not just feeling frustrated; I was also feeling stifled. I feel stifled all the time.
But because I didn't want to ruin her day I didn't talk to her about it and ended up ruining her day anyway.
Now that I have brought it up - those complaints are now banging around in my head. "It's too much. I am too emotional. I go on and on."
What my wife sees as a weakness (I am too emotional) is really a dominant part of who I am. When she complains that it's too much, what I hear is rejection of the only real way I have of connecting to her. I feel my way of connecting is blocked.
I tell her this but she either can't or won't hear it.
I have a friend. I call him on days like today. But my wife doesn't like me talking to him. I don't blame her because she knows my friend and I have a mutual attraction.
But I would have called him anyway today because today was one of those days. Except that things have been real awkward between us for the last several weeks.
He recently lost his job and now I get real uncomfortable talking to him because I never know what to say or how to act.
You see I keep an emotional distance between us so as not to give my wife anything to worry about. But with him feeling all sorts of emotions and being so vunerable, I am finding it impossible to be there for him and still keep that emotional distance so I'm being a coward and sort of avoiding him.
So if I can't be there for him when he needs me then I feel it would be unfair of me to expect him to be there for me when I need him especially since my problems are so minor by comparison.
But I sure wish I had had someone to talk to today.
That is why gentle reader I am writing this post.
You are my listener today. I am feeling better. Thanks for listening.
Regards,
Philip
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The new and improved me – Part 2
Saturday I went shopping for work pants – first time clothes shopping since I can’t remember when.
First, a little background.
I've lost a ton of weight in the last few months.
Right before Christmas vacation, Jennifer, a sweet co-worker, made an off-hand remark in a way that told me it was anything but off-hand about my baggy pants.
So when I got home I grabbed my wife’s makeup mirror and checked out how I looked from behind and was shocked by what I saw. I looked like I was wearing clown pants. It was ridiculous. No way could I wait until I stopped losing weight to buy new pants.
So I told my kids that they could go ahead and get me a new belt (I had added six notches to my old belt) and shirts for Christmas and I was going to buy new pants while on vacation.
Well, right before Christmas I had a minor car accident. No one was really hurt but it was unnerving. For a while I didn’t want to drive even though my car was operable. I didn’t even finish my Christmas shopping or visit my brother and sister for Christmas because they didn’t live nearby.
I just kept imagining pieces of my car falling off on the freeway and thinking about how narrow car lanes are in Phoenix and how when driving home after the accident I had felt the cars on either side of me moving in on me.
I'm much better now but it's still kind of bothering me.
So I didn’t drive the rest of my vacation unless I absolutely had to. The first trip after the accident was to a car dealership for a repair estimate and I was nervous driving the entire way.
So the morning back to work, I grabbed for my work pants and realized I hadn't bought those new pants.
Now back to Saturday…
Of course, I was excited at the prospect of finding out what my new waist size was.
I am not too proud to admit I went to Targets. I hate shopping and Targets are everywhere and relatively cheap so that’s where I headed.
When I got to the Men’s Department, I asked the sales lady for a tape measure. I measured 46 inches around. Wow, was that disappointing. That was only about a two inch improvement over my old waist size.
But then I tried on a size 46 pants in the fitting room and the pants practically fell off. I realized I had measured girth instead of waist size. Did I mention I don’t know much about clothes. So I then tried on a size 40, 42 and 44 pants. All too big for me. And then I tried a size 38 and it was just right.
I had gone down 10 pants sizes. Wow!
And for the first time I can remember I enjoyed shopping for clothes. If I keep losing weight, I might actually start looking forward to it.
Regards,
Philip
First, a little background.
I've lost a ton of weight in the last few months.
Right before Christmas vacation, Jennifer, a sweet co-worker, made an off-hand remark in a way that told me it was anything but off-hand about my baggy pants.
So when I got home I grabbed my wife’s makeup mirror and checked out how I looked from behind and was shocked by what I saw. I looked like I was wearing clown pants. It was ridiculous. No way could I wait until I stopped losing weight to buy new pants.
So I told my kids that they could go ahead and get me a new belt (I had added six notches to my old belt) and shirts for Christmas and I was going to buy new pants while on vacation.
Well, right before Christmas I had a minor car accident. No one was really hurt but it was unnerving. For a while I didn’t want to drive even though my car was operable. I didn’t even finish my Christmas shopping or visit my brother and sister for Christmas because they didn’t live nearby.
I just kept imagining pieces of my car falling off on the freeway and thinking about how narrow car lanes are in Phoenix and how when driving home after the accident I had felt the cars on either side of me moving in on me.
I'm much better now but it's still kind of bothering me.
So I didn’t drive the rest of my vacation unless I absolutely had to. The first trip after the accident was to a car dealership for a repair estimate and I was nervous driving the entire way.
So the morning back to work, I grabbed for my work pants and realized I hadn't bought those new pants.
Now back to Saturday…
Of course, I was excited at the prospect of finding out what my new waist size was.
I am not too proud to admit I went to Targets. I hate shopping and Targets are everywhere and relatively cheap so that’s where I headed.
When I got to the Men’s Department, I asked the sales lady for a tape measure. I measured 46 inches around. Wow, was that disappointing. That was only about a two inch improvement over my old waist size.
But then I tried on a size 46 pants in the fitting room and the pants practically fell off. I realized I had measured girth instead of waist size. Did I mention I don’t know much about clothes. So I then tried on a size 40, 42 and 44 pants. All too big for me. And then I tried a size 38 and it was just right.
I had gone down 10 pants sizes. Wow!
And for the first time I can remember I enjoyed shopping for clothes. If I keep losing weight, I might actually start looking forward to it.
Regards,
Philip
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)