Race

I am a racist.

Not a George Wallace racist.  I am more subtle than that.  But a racist nonetheless.

I want to talk about it because I am not particularly proud of that fact.

Maybe I should back up a minute.  I am a racist the way a lot of people are racists but never admit it.  I am talking all kinds of people including people that don’t think of themselves as racists yet are.

Talking about racism is hard so sometimes I am going to talk about homophobia, a subject that’s easier for me to talk about because it’s not as controversial.

In fact, it was when I dealt with my homophobic feelings that I realized I was a racist.  I am a homophobe, too.  And I am gay but then I am dark skinned, too.

What makes me a racist?

I think what makes me a racist is that I still, despite knowing better, haven’t gotten beyond skin color.

Now I admit I have tried.  I have even gone so far as to consider making friends with a black person in order to overcome my racial feelings but I live in Phoenix and with the exception of Salt Lake City there probably isn’t another large metropolitan area in the U.S. with fewer black people.  What I am trying to say is that I want to make friends with a black person but it’s difficult to naturally form friendships with black people when you live in a town where you can go all day without seeing a black person.  I mean I don’t want to make friends with a black person just because they are black.  I want it to happen more naturally than that.  I may be a racist but I’m not an insensitive racist.

But that’s getting off topic.  What makes me a racist is that when I see a black person that is the first thing, the middle thing and the last thing I notice – that person’s skin color – and I know that’s not right.  I should see the person first and the skin color should be secondary – it should be background music like his or her height or weight or shoe size. 

What is the point of this whole post?

Well, I am making progress.  Very slowly.  And that progress emboldens me.  It emboldens me so much that I am willing to risk being attacked for being racist in order to address my shortcomings.

And the fact that nobody reads my blog makes it easier for me to address this very sensitive issue.

What is this progress you might ask?  OK, here goes.  The last few years I have been experiencing something that I have never experienced before.  I see a black person and sometimes, instead of that person’s skin color being the first thing that comes to mind, I see something else.

I’ll give you an example.  Last summer I was waiting at a light and a jogger stopped just ahead of me.  He took off his shirt and I saw a very trim body; no body fat.  First, it was insane to be jogging in 115 degree heat but what was most strange about this experience is that something kept nagging me as I witnessed this young man strip off his shirt – I just couldn’t place what it was that was nagging me.  Than it hit me.  His skin was black.  This European’s skin was black.  And that is my breakthrough.  Now every once in a while when I see a black person I see some other dimension than skin color and it takes a while to register that this person is African, too.

So my breakthrough is that I saw a European where before I would have seen an African or to be honest where I would have seen a black person.  And it’s not about the skin color.  It’s about the whole package.  The whole package is that this person struck me as being European because he was so much more European than anything else that I didn’t see the anything else. 

I don’t know what this says about me that I can forget a black person's skin color but only infrequently.  I am almost afraid to ask.

But it is happening on a more frequent basis.  I am use to this happening when it is a white person or Hispanic or Asian or a mixed person of Asian and white heritage or of Hispanic and white heritage but having this happen with a black person or a mixed person of African and white heritage is a fairly recent development.

I think this might be happening now because of all the Indians from India I work with.  With Indians I oftentimes see a European person with dark skin.  The Indians often seem Italian or Irish or even German.  It is almost like I knew this guy back in Chicago but back then his name was Palumbo or Dieter or O’Malley not Surya or Javed or Dhiraj.  I don’t see how others don’t see this.  It is so evident. It’s like seeing double; same face, build, height, weight, etc.

I guess I thought this old dog couldn’t learn new tricks but now I know this old dog can still learn new tricks and I want to.

But I know more progress needs to be made. 

Why is it so hard to unlearn prejudice?

I think it is a trust thing.  Intellectually I know it is wrong but emotionally I must still not trust black people enough to let go of the underlying fears (whatever those fears are these fears exist even if I am not conscious of them and don’t even know how they got there) long enough to stop bringing race to the forefront instead of leaving it in the background where it belongs.

Did I mention I am a dark skin person?  And also gay?  Well, I mentioned that because I have gotten over most of my homophobia in a natural way so in my mind what I did for homophobia I should also be able to do for racism.

What did I do?  Well, I am a masculine gay man and for years I felt uncomfortable around effeminate gay men. Get an effeminate gay man around me and all I would notice was his hand flurries and the way he moved his hips and the voice, especially the voice, and I never, ever got beyond the fact that he was effeminate.  I wasn’t proud of how I felt even though all my masculine gay buddies felt as much or more disdain than I did.  They may have thought it was OK but I knew it was not OK even if I felt just as uncomfortable as they did.   Because after all how could I as a gay man expect to be treated equally by straight people when I had disdain for other gay people.  I mean I can’t actually demand respect when I was not giving it.  Yet I didn’t know how to let go of whatever it was that kept me from accepting my effeminate brothers as equals.  Fortunately for me, my best friend had an effeminate gay lover that cut my hair.  So every six or seven weeks I would sit down and talk to this effeminate guy with his flurry of hands and his sashaying hips and listen to that voice.  And what I found was a real human being.  Someone constantly stared at even when doing mundane things like grocery shopping.  Someone afraid to go into a men’s locker room.  I listened to him and laughed and joked and then one day, after months of getting my hair cut by him, I trusted him enough to let go of my fear of effeminate men (and who would have guess that a masculine man like me had a fear of effeminate men) long enough to start hearing what he had to say.  All I know is that one day all this static (“look at this hands flurrying”, “look at his hips sashaying”, that voice, omg, that voice) was gone and Chris (that’s what his name was) started coming through loud and clear.  I realized I was hearing Chris so much better because the static I had never before been aware of was gone.  I was really hearing Chris for the first time.  But get this.  It didn’t happen overnight.  It took time.  Lots of time.  But it was so worth the time and effort.  It was and is so liberating.

And that’s what I want to do with black people.  I want to rid myself of all that static.  But I am not there yet.  I guess that won’t happen until I make friends with a black person and then only if I have enough patience to give me enough time to trust enough to let go of that fear whatever it is.  But it has to happen naturally.  I won’t make friends with a black person just to get over my racism.  That’s like making a friend with an effeminate guy just to get over my homophobia. That’s just too insensitive.  I couldn’t do that to anyone even for a good cause.

But on the other hand, if some straight guy said to me “Phil, I like you but I want you to know that I am having trouble getting over the fact that you are gay” then I think I would react positively because I would know he was trying and there was a good chance of success.  However, I don’t think I would feel the same way if a white guy said to me that he liked me but that he wanted me to know that he was having trouble getting over the fact that I was Puerto Rican.  I know I would have more trouble with that because I would be thinking of my half Puerto Rican kids.

I guess that’s why talking about racism is more difficult to talk about than homophobia.  And why I am more willing to accept prejudice in others when it comes to my sexuality then when it comes to my ethnicity.  Because more often with race or ethnicity than with homosexuality it impacts people we love; people we love more than ourselves.

So my long range goal is not to become color blind but to have a person’s skin color just be another factor like hair or eye color or masculinity/femininity.  I just wish I could hurry the process along.

Because I know the person that would benefit the most if I could overcome my shortcomings would be me.  It would be so liberating.

Any thoughts?

Deja Vu...all over again

I was in our local bookstore. I knew what he was up to the moment I saw him. He was off to the side but staring intently at the Culture Studies section. Since he didn't look Hispanic or Asian or African American and he wasn't a woman then it must be the GLBT shelf. I am intimately familiar with that shelf. It is two-thirds full of titles mostly written 10 or more years ago. The GLBT shelf had been my destination. I changed direction and headed towards the Bargain section. I didn't want my presence scaring him off. I noticed the slight build and youthful clothes. I purposely didn't look at his face.

Later on while in the bargain section trying to convince myself to buy another book I will probably never read, "blue shirt" walked by and stood in the cashier line. Impulsively I grabbed my $4.98 special and got in line behind him. He was holding a tradebook in his hand with the title face down. I watched him make his purchase. His voice held but his hands gave away his nervousness. Or was it my over-active imagination at work? I watched the young man walk away. Seemed to me that his pace quickened as he neared the door. The cashier was talking to me. I was being rude and turned my attention away from the young man. I held eye contact with the cashier longer than I should have. He gave me a half smile. Here was a kindred spirit. I wondered if he was thinking of what had just transpired, too.

When I got outside I felt silly but searched for the young man. He was gone. As I waited for my ride, I couldn't help but think of another young man long ago and how that young man's heart had pounded while making his purchase and the relief he had felt when the cashier nonchalantly rang up and bagged the purchase without accusation. I can even remember the title. "Men on Men", the first in a wonderful series. My ride arrived.

Depression

I don't know what is going on. He use to work far from where we live so I never got to see him but then he was in between jobs and we started spending a lot of time together. Then he got a job where I worked and for a while we met on breaks and went to lunch and talked almost every day. And we both belong to the same gym so we started working out together once or twice a week. I enjoy being around him so I'm at a loss as to why recently I have also felt depressed. I am sure people think we are a couple even though we are not. I didn't think it bothered me what people thought; not even the guys at the gym. The way I see it - I know what we are to each other and we are just friends. But I have to admit that we have a closer friendship than most guys. But something is bothering me enough that I am fighting this depression for at least two weeks. And, except for the occasional gay pon farr, I almost never get depressed for more than a couple of hours. I was thinking I would just wait this feeling out but then what's a blog for if not to talk about the things bothering you. At least I got it off my chest. Maybe tomorrow the depression will lift.

Looking for Best Practices....

In the last year I have gotten a lot of positive feedback about the weight I lost and how healthy I look. Quite a few people wanted to know what I all had to do. So I put together an email that I sent out to a few people. I am posting this email here not because I think my advice is so wonderful but because these are my best practices and I am wondering if the folks still reading my blog might have a few suggestions on what else I could do or how I could improve on what I am already doing.

Here is my email (let me know what you think).... What I did to get healthier:

#1 - Taking responsibility I took control of my health after a misdiagnosis that my doctor was unwilling to acknowledge. I should have never turned complete control of my health over to someone else and I should have never been so passive as to let him dismiss my concerns the way he did.

#2 - Changing focus Previously my goals had always been to lose weight. Now my goal was to get healthy. This change in focus had a dramatic effect on what I did. My new focus forced me to learn what makes a person healthy and how a person should go about getting healthier and this knowledge is now paying off big time because, instead of just doing something temporary (like lose weight), I am doing things that will have a long term positive effect and the lifestyle changes I have made will allow me to maintain what I have gained. Plus, I feel empowered by this knowledge.

# 3 - Knowing my numbers Knowing what my numbers were and what that meant gave me the necessary motivation to be persistent even when I fell off the wagon or was not making progress. Knowing how my numbers have changed and what they should or could be gives me inspiration to try harder.

#4 - Keeping a food diary Keep a food diary forced me to think about what I was going to eat and and honestly the guilt I felt when I thought about eating something unhealthy made it easier for me not to eat those things. Also, documenting how I felt before and after meals helped me analyze my eating habits and figure out what I was doing wrong and what I could do to fix it. Also, I tracked my daily goals in my food diary and having goals that could be accomplished in a single day made it possible for me to gradually and easily improve my health overtime. It would have been overwhelming if I had attempted to accomplish too much too quickly.

# 5 - Monitoring my progress Fortunately for me, my Company has provided employees with a Wellness Center where I was able to go to get my blood pressure and blood sugar tested on a regular basis and that monitoring combined with my food diary made it possible for to figure out what foods caused my blood pressure or blood sugar to spike. I also get blood work done on a quarterly basis and track my progress by keeping a copies of the results.

# 6 - Losing weight slowly - at most 1 to 2 pounds a week This was actually difficult for me to do at the beginning because I was impatient and have always been able to lost weight quickly but losing weight slowly allowed my body to recover plus losing weight too quickly results in muscle loss which you want to avoid. Giving your body time to rebound becomes increasingly important the older you get.

# 7 - Exercising on a regular basis I started off slowly and gradually increased. I listened to my body. What works best for me is to do things I enjoy and to keep to a schedule. In other words, I blocked the same time every week for exercise. I also made goals. I try to have at least one goal that can be attained fairly quickly and a stretch goal that takes time. For instance, my first goal was to climb a single flight of stairs without getting out of breath and my first stretch goal was to be able to walk for a half hour without having to rest. For most people, walking half an hour 5 times a week is a good place to start.

# 8 - Using the Internet to get information on foods that are good for you and what makes one healthier What makes a person healthier varies from person to person so it's important to combine monitoring with whatever you do.

Here are some of the things I do almost on a daily basis to get healthier:

- Read food labels to avoid trans fat
- Never skip breakfast
- Use sun crystals instead of sugar or sugar substitutes like splenda
- No junk, processed or fried foods
- No salting food and avoid salty foods
- Eat a handful of walnuts or almonds
- Eat lots more vegetables and fruits and less meat. I still eat too much meat but I try to make my dinner plate about a third vegetables, a third carbs and a third meat. Recommended portions are 1/2 vegetables, 1/4 grains, 1/4 meat and some dairy (for instance, a glass of milk or serving of yogurt).
- Eat lean meats
- Eat fish at least twice a week especially fish high in omega-3 like salmon
- Drink water before meals to cut down on my hunger (I no longer do this because I don't let myself get too hungry before I eat)
- 64 ounces of water each day to flush out the system
- a piece of dark chocolate (76 percent or greater cocoa)
- potassium in the form of apples, pears, oranges, avocados, sweet potatoes or carrots
- do some form of exercise almost every day
- 1-2 tablespoons of flaxseed
- oatmeal
- cinnamon
- blueberries
- cranberry juice
- 8 hours sleep
- do aerobics and weight train because the combination is better than doing just aerobics or just weight lifting
- curtail restaurant food (restaurants often serve food high in calories for the taste factor to keep patrons coming back)
- when we go out to eat, I eat 1/2 if the order is too big and I try to find items on the menu that are baked or grilled instead of fried.
- I eat only until I am satisfied and not until I am full like I use to
- I eat every four hours or so because by eating more frequently I never get so hungry that I end up overeating
- I always eat a protein with carbs so my sugar doesn't spike
- I take supplements
- I limit my coffee intake because some studies show coffee is good while other studies showed just the opposite
- I eat healthy fats like the fat in nuts
- I drink a glass of red wine
- I avoid foods labeled non-fat or low fat except non-fat greek yogurt because of the way it is processed

So OK...does anyone have any suggestions on what more I could do?

Regards,
Philip

Bitter....

I am feeling quite bitter right now. Not bitter in that I hate the world but bitter in that I hate where I am at but I am unwilling to do anything that will change the status quo so I am bitter at my own ineptitude or limits or inability or whatever the right term is.

In other words, I am resigned to the fact that as long as I am married that I won't be able to do any better than what I am already doing yet I continue to refuse to end my marriage and am seemingly unable to make peace with what comes with staying faithful in a heterosexual marriage.

In other words, I yearn for game change because the rules of the game I am in are stacked against me. Play fair and lose. Cheat and lose. It makes me want to give up trying but I can't. That is the nature of humans I guess - not to give up.

I am bitter at the hopelessness of it and not being able to come to terms with the hopelessness and because my way of coping with it is to keep trying even when I know there is no hope.

Let me explain what I am going through by means of a few examples that happened this week.

First, there is my best friend. We worked out at the gym together this week. I loved working out with him but I have such mixed feelings about him. Emotionally being with him feeds my soul but no matter how much time we spend together I still end up feeling starved. It's like being around him just makes it more evident of how emotionally starved I am. I am not just starving for sex. I am starving for intimacy, as well.

Then there is a new coworker I met this week. I don't know why but every time I was around this guy I felt like a schoolboy (or better yet a schoolgirl). I don't know what it is about him but I forget to breathe when I am around him. And what is really weirding me out is that I am getting mixed signals from him. I am sure most of it is in my head but I am also sure not all of it is imagined. For instance, there is a lot of tension going on between the two of us and not all of it is coming from me.

Lastly, I am reading 'Olive Kitteridge' a book of short stories and Olive reminds me a whole lot of my wife and Henry (steadfast Henry) sure sounds a whole lot like me. You see Olive is kind of mean and lots of people just don't get why such a nice guy like Henry puts up with Olive. Well, I can tell them.  Because Henry knows Olive is not really mean (well maybe a little bit) plus he loves Olive.

I just finished the short story that has to do with Olive's reaction to Henry's failing health. Olive is trying to be brave and face the truth that soon Henry will be gone and she can't understand why she just can't accept this because, after all, death is part of life.  Olive is evolving. She is very, very slowly opening herself up to her own feelings.

And this is what I think it will take for my wife. For me to die first before she finds herself forced to finally look at her feelings, at what we meant to one another. Of course, by then it will be too late. I won't be around to talk to. I won't be around for her to share her feelings with me. I guess you can say that her window of opportunity is the next ten, twenty, or whatever years of marriage that we have left and that window of opportunity will be over before she knows it.

I just recently celebrated a birthday and my only gift request was that each day she share one heartfelt thought with me and do that for one year. I told her that I would understand if she couldn't do that but that if she couldn't do it that I would prefer she say nothing then to say she couldn't or wouldn't do it. My birthday came and went and, of course, I heard nothing about my birthday wish. I will make the same request for Christmas and all gift exchanging events going forward until the day one of us dies or she surprises me. If she's never able to grant me this wish then I want her to regret never having granted me this one wish after I am gone.

Did I forget to mention that I am feeling quite bitter right now.

Now that I'm fast approaching 60.....

When I reached a certain age, I started inserting into sentences variations of “Now that I’m (fill in the age)” or “For an old guy” as a way of making light of something I was not crazy about (getting older…OK, I’ll say it…old). Qualifying my sentences that way started happening with greater and greater frequency then one day I heard myself saying “Now that I’m approaching 60”. To be honest I thought what I was doing was good. In my mind I was accepting aging in a realistic fashion. That is until I realized I was taking it too far.

I was standing in front of a mirror without a shirt on and thinking “God, I look kind of hot” (lost a lot of weight lately and started working out again) then I couldn’t help adding “for an old man”. That was OK. But it was what I thought next that took me by surprise. I noticed the hint of abs and thought “Wouldn’t it be cool if for the first time in my life I could have abs, even a six pack?” which was quickly followed by “Don’t be silly. You’re fast approaching 60. Sixty year olds don’t think about abs. You’re too old for abs.” This is when the proverbial lightbulb went off. For months but especially the last six months I have been thinking about my age a lot without ever really questioning what I was thinking. But this time what I thought made me realize how self-defeating many of these thoughts were. I decided right then and there to get an attitude adjustment. Stealing from an old Tina Turner classic, a tape in my head started playing “What does age have to do with it?”.

Which brings me to where I am now. I am still working on my attitude adjustment. I have gone through several iterations. For now I am sticking to “I am going to live forever.” Which strikes me as a line stolen from yet another song. I know I am not going to live forever but most likely I will live twenty more years and with luck I might live thirty even forty years. That’s a long time. I can get a lot of things done in that time. True, I will have to cut back as time goes on. But what’s wrong with thinking “I am going to live forever” if it helps me to keep moving forward? Isn’t it better to be disappointed when I fail or not be able to finish then to not try at all?

Do you have any views on getting older? I’m surely not the only one trying to figure out how to deal with this reality.

Not sure how to Act

I don't know if anyone still reads my blog but I could use some advice.

My best friend lost his job. This is his third layoff in five years.

Each time I don't know how to act. Each time it's a little worse than before because he is older. The only good thing this time around is that the economy has improved a little since the last time.

I have trouble knowing how to act when people need to be lifted up. I'm great at letting someone cry on my shoulder or vent. I'm good at listening. But I am lousy at cheering people up; making them look at the bright side of things. I can't seem to just focus on the positive. I always have to acknowledge the bad with the good.

His "job situation" hangs over our friendship. It's like the unspoken topic in every one of our conversations.

I guess the way I see it...I am the one with the problem...I am uncomfortable and I don't know what to say -and- worse of all, I feel like I am not being a good friend.

Here is how bad it has gotten....I catch myself complaining about work or talking about retirement and change the subject because I don't want to rub it in his face that I have a job and he doesn't or I can think about retirement when he can't.

But what I am hating about myself is that I am sort of avoiding him a little. What kind of friend am I?

And it doesn't help that there is always this sexual tension between us. He knows I am monogamous and respects that -but- the tension is still there.

Here is the real problem...(took me writing this post to figure it out)...

He is understandably very vunerable and part of me wants to let my guard down and be there for him -but- part of me is scared that I won't have the discipline to not let things get out of control.

I am afraid of the caged beast breaking free.

Regards,
Philip