For someone that has a pretty easy time giving others advice, I am having difficulty asking for advice. I want to talk about my problems but I'm worried that I'm not up to the task; that I won't be able to put in words what's bothering me.
I live with this uncomfortable feeling or stress from having two contradictory ideas in my head simultaneously. And not just any two contradictory ideas. I picked two of the biggest; my family and my sexuality.
Before I tell you what the contradictory ideas are, let me give you some background. I'm married. Monogamy is a core need in our marriage. My wife would rather be friends and no longer married than have an open marriage. I want to stay married.
Here are the contradictory ideas:
First, I'm a nice person. I love my family. I would never intentionally hurt my wife or children. I want us to thrive as a family.
Second, I'm a gay man and there is something missing from my marital relationship that is so fundamental that I can't seem to live without it. That something is intimacy and closeness that I only seem capable of finding with another man.
If I had a choice, it would be family hands down. But it's not a choice. I can't change my sexual orientation.
But I know the most important idea in my head is my family so the other idea, my homosexuality, is of lesser importance though believe me I've learned that hard way that it's very important.
So my focus is my family over my sexuality but I know fighting my sexuality is futile because my psyche forces me to be honest about who I am.
How does this uncomfortableness or stress express itself?
Everyday and in many ways.
Here are some of the biggies:
Sometimes I lose patience and, despite knowing it's impractical, want a final resolution. This means divorce. This happens when the lesser idea has overcome the resistance of the greater idea and the stress is at it's greatest. At times like this I just hang on.
Sometimes I feel ambivalent and just want to be left alone. This is when the two ideas are battling but the greater idea has the upper hand. At times like this I often feel aimless and depressed and sometimes I just give in to myself and have a pity party or try to sleep it off.
I almost always avoid too much success or excitement or joy because from experience I know my sex drive increases dramatically and my self-esteem goes way up and it becomes more and more difficult to live my life the way it is.
And sometimes I have a great deal of energy and much hope. This is when I get all the things done that I don't get done at other times. I don't really understand what's going on here but I have a theory.
My theory is that my psyche is just driven to resolve the contradications because it's human nature to eliminate conflict. Maybe human beings are not built to live without hope so the psyche tries to resolve the contradictions and comes up with tactics or strategies that for however briefly gives hope.
So why am I posting?
Because avoiding success or pleasure or excitement so I can stay on an even keel is just wrong.
And this continuous quest to find resolution where none exists smacks of a bad habit that just keeps me going in circles.
So I would like to hear from others about what they think of what I've said so far.
Before I go I would like to acknowledge that the two contradictory ideas are not as contradictory as they once were.
That's because over the years I've become more comfortable with my sexuality and discovered I could express my sexuality in ways that were non-threatening to my wife. Discovering I could express my sexuality outside the bedroom made it easier for me meet at least some of my need for intimacy with another man.
But what I am doing only allows me to survive, not thrive, in my marriage.
And that's my goal...to be in a monogamous marriage, feel good about my sexuality and be able to honestly say that my family and I are thriving.
Regards,
Philip
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5 comments:
i'm curious; how do you express yourself sexually outside the bedroom?
i occasionally go to an all-male yoga class. some men wear just jockey shorts. the male body is the focus point, but very non-sexual, which i think/hope is good for me.
my most difficult times with this your contradiction is when there are down cycles with my wife; minor miscommunications that have snowballed. i try to remember that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and that fulfilling sexual fantasies won't help me in the long run
Santorio,
Warning...I am long winded.
Originally I had a very narrow definition of what gay is. Basically being gay was all about sex.
Then I came out enough to be able to interact openly and honestly with others and gradually my definition of gay expanded until now it's about everything being straight is about. In other words it is about feelings, intimacy, love, family, friendship, relationships and many other things including sex. So now I see sex as being a small albeit important part of being gay.
And the more I came out the more I was free to be me and the less I had to hide and pretend to be someone I was not.
In other words, now I'm gay no matter where I'm at or whom I'm with.
So I guess the answer to your question is that I can express my sexuality outside the bedroom because now I know my sexuality is about more than just sex.
So the question should be how do I express my sexuality outside the bedroom in ways that are non-threatening to my wife.
Well, one way is that I try to form closer relationships with other men. This partially fills my need for intimacy. However, there is one big drawback. I like to form friendships with other gay married men and it's not always possible with all the family commitments to find time for one another plus a lot of my friendships have ended when the couple has divorced. I guess I'm too much a reminder of the past.
Maybe I should try forming friendshisp with straight males. That might be interesting with my being so out.
Other ways I express my sexuality in non-threatening ways is to get involved with glbt charitable or support organizations. It really helps me to help others.
I have also gotten involved in "gay positive" straight organizations and glbt social organizations.
The bottomline is that it's a lot easier but still not easy for me to be gay, married and monogamous (or as I like to think of it - gay celibate).
But it really helps me to be able to express my sexuality in more ways than just one.
Let me know if you still have questions.
Regards,
Philip
Santorio,
I forgot something important.
My wife and I had to work through what was threatening to her.
And every wife is different so what might be threatening to my wife might not be threatening to your wife; or vice-a-versa.
And, because everyone is different, each couple has to define things for themselves. For instance, what is and is not monogamy or what is or isn't too close.
And sometimes it takes negotiating to get to a position both parties are comfortable with.
For instance, initially my wife insisted on no more than a handshake between me and my gay friends. I found that totally unreasonable. I'm an affectionate person and I grew up in a family where men hugged each other. So I told her I wouldn't do anything with my gay friends that I wouldn't do with my male relatives. She was OK with that.
And the most important thing to remember is to be honorable and keep your word. Because you don't want to destroy that trust that your wife has in you.
Regards,
Philip
This is actually a very practical comment and may take you a little time to even consider such a notion, but I am pretty practical.
If you are anywhere near a city, you might explore massage with an open-minded or even gay massage therapist. It is a business relationship, therapeutic and private.
Drex and I prefer to call ourselves "lapsed gays", as we are both in MoM's, and arguably happy so. That works better than gay-celibate, I think.
And I like Robert's suggestion, too. I'm thinking of taking that route, myself.
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