What am I to do?

Last month I posted that I want to break away from sleep walking through my life. I want to engage. To live my life.

This week I have been on vacation and spent much of my time passively sitting in front of the TV watching the news coverage of the RNC. I realized I was sleeping walking through life again.

Actually sleep walking through life is only a partial description of what I do. It's true to the outside world I appear to be sleep walking but if you could see my inside world you would see that I am full of emotions I don't have a good outlet for. What looks like sleep walking on the outside is really my attempt to calm the inside; to strike a balance; to find some harmony or as I have heard others call it - to keep on an even keel.

In other words, I am busy. I just don't appear to be busy because nothing much gets done on the outside while I am working on the inside.

And that's what I told myself I would no longer do. I will no longer just strive to keep on an even keel at the expense of my outside world. I want something more to show for my life then to be able to say I didn't yell, I didn't fight, I didn't make others miserable because I am frustrated and unhappy on the inside. I want to have something positive to show at the end of my day for all my efforts.

But what I really want is to express all the passion I feel inside instead of bottling it up. I understand why I can't. It is too exhausting to express some but not all of what I feel. Is it too difficult to be passionate about my life and, at the same time, accept the lack of intimacy I feel for my wife when I know I am capable of great intimacy with other men. It is too difficult to be passionate about my life and, at the same time, accept the almost complete lack of sexual excitement I feel for my wife when I know I am capable of feeling so much passion with other men. How does one accept letting your foot off the brake for the little things in life when you are slamming your foot down hard for the big things in life. After all my feelings are so interwoven that it would be a formidable task (for me at least) to express some passion without all the other passion busting through. I know the decisions I made early in life got me to where I am today but it seems to be beyond me to undo where I am today without undoing those decisions. Part of me accepts that this is the price I pay for staying married and to just live my life the best I can and stop whining. Part of me knows I am capable of much more than this (that we are both capable of much more than this) and can't or won't accept the price. So I end up settling for seeking calm instead of passion because without calm there is no peace and without peace things become intolerable quickly.

But something has changed. I have often assessed what I have accomplished and found myself wanting but that was when I was still just afraid of squandering my life. Now I have squandered most of my life and don't want to squander what is left. I dont want to fretter it ALL away. I don't find acceptable any more to not engage in the outside world in the name of inner calm.

So I got my so called lazy a-s off the sofa and went outside and raked leaves. I took my frustration out on the leaves. I flung them into the garbage can. My mind said stop, go back inside and calm yourself down. I told myself no I can't go through life calming myself down. There are leaves to rake. Cars to wash. Life to live. When I finished with the leaves, I started cleaning house. The battle ensued. Sit down. Stare into space. Think calming thoughts. Or fantasize about a world where your emotions have an outlet. No I told myself. I want more than to be introspective or daydream. I want some real joy in life. Not pretend joy.

My daughter called. We have a weekly ritual. Every Saturday we have breakfast at First Watch and catch up on each other's life. She sleeps in on Saturdays so she calls me when she is ready to meet. The conversation during breakfast helps. I vent but just a little. Don't want her getting bogged down with my problems.

When I get home, I throw myself into chores. The battle ensues but I am feeling better. By the time I am done with my chores, I am tired but not so frustrated anymore. The emotions seem to have dissipated. I let myself believe for a little while that maybe I have been wrong all along. Maybe, instead of sitting there like some dummy and trying to strike some emotional balance, I am much better letting the emotion out little by little by slamming doors or raking like a mad man or working till I am tired. Sure I have not exactly been fun to be around but I have a clean house to show for it.

I'm OK for the rest of the afternoon but by evening the emotion is building up again. I could have gone and done something else but why bother. At some point I have to rest and when I do the emotions will build up again. This is why I feel so defeated. I have long been aware that I sit there for hours on end trying to calm myself down because that is preferable to the alternative which is to be constantly emoting in a negative way all over the place and potentially making others on the outside as unhappy as I am on the inside.

But I can't continue sleep walking through life. What am I to do?

Regards,
Philip