My reaction
What did I expect:
o If things did not go well, I would survive.
o If things went well, to experience the sense of liberation I had with family and friends but not to the same extent because they were coworkers.
What actually happened:
o There were a few big surprises but overall things went very well.
o I did experience a sense of liberation –and- it was not to the same extent as what I had experienced with family and friends.
o But something totally unexpected and wonderful happened.
Some things my coworkers said that made me feel supported:
o I feel honored that you’ve shared this with me…
o Thank you for telling me….
o Stand up and let me give you a hug.
o I understand because (then shared his/her secret)
o I want you to know you have my support.
o Tell me right away if anyone gives you any kind of trouble. (from Management)
Some of the surprises:
o The most common reaction – most of my coworkers could have cared less.
o My straight coworkers were generally more supportive than my gay coworkers.
o Straight coworkers can have secrets and go into the workplace closet, too.
o I was so afraid of negative reactions from straight coworkers but when I finally got a negative reaction from a straight coworker I shrugged it off.
o My gay coworker’s reactions were all over the map.
o How my gay coworkers related to my coming out said a whole lot more about them and where they were at in the coming out process than anything I did.
But the most wonderful thing happened:
Before I came out at work:
o I truly believed I was shy.
o I rarely spoke up at meetings.
o Year after year I got feedback that I needed to work on my communication skills.
o I had doubts my coworkers would still respect and like me if they knew the truth.
o I actually bragged to other gay people that I kept my work and home life separate; not befriending coworkers and socializing with them after work.
After I came out at work:
o My doubts were forever removed.
o My coworkers still respected and liked me.
o I started opening up to my coworkers.
o I was surprised to learn my coworkers found what I had to say important.
o I started getting compliments on my communications skills.
o My work relationships improved and friendships formed.
Conclusions:
I never expected:
o I would find my voice.
o I would benefit the most from my attempt to help others.
o Later on I would witness similar dramatic changes in others coming out at work.
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2 comments:
Philip,
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I appreciate the glimpse into what you expected and how it both differed from and paralleled reality.
How long ago did you come out at work, and has your sexuality ever been a topic of conversation since that time? If so, how often? (rarely? an everyday part of casual conversation?)
Do you feel like coming out to your co-workers has had any impact on how they view gay people in general? (i.e. have you dispelled any stereotypes, or reinforced any?)
If you were to, say, move and start a new job in a new company with new co-workers, would you do another mass coming-out to them? (that is, knowing what you know now, would you do it all over again?)
I was going to post this one on the "Part 2" post, but since I'm already asking all the questions here... What specifically did you tell people about "what the closet is like" when they asked why you were coming out to them?
I was 41 so I came out at work about 14 years ago. It was very difficult for me to come out at work (for the various reasons already posted) so it required something greater than myself (preventing gay youth suicide) for me to find the courage to come out. I don't think I could have done it just for myself.
Initially I sent out an email then I followed that up with a 1:1 private meeting. With one exception, everyone was OK with it to some degree from the start. The one exception however didn't faze me and that was a big surprise to me. So basically all that worrying and fretting for years beforehand was for naught. All of the thousands of bad scenarios I had imagined were unfounded. Coming out turned out to be anti-climatic. Now I am sure some gossiping went on but I kind of don't worry about what others think of me (I think this has a lot to do with being an ethnic minority - you get use to always being different; not part of the group).
Here is what I want to say to you...coming out is not about the other person; it is about you. It's not about them having to know something about you; it's about you no longer being willing to hide that something from them. It's about your sexuality not being something wrong that you should hide from others.
So back then I did it to make a political statement (silent no longer) but if I were to change jobs now I would come out in my new job just not for political reasons but mainly for me. I am in a different place now and would come out for me because the fear is no longer as great so now I have the courage to do it for me and anyway I have tasted freedom and now I feel it is totally appropriate for me to come out so I am no longer willing to stay in the closet to cater to someone's misguided idea of privacy or other people's prejudices.
But there is this caveat...in the profession I am in, I probably do not have to worry about losing my job if I come out. I would never suggest to anyone that they should come out unless they are ready and willing to do so especially if they are in a profession where they might lose their job.
One other thing...because I am in a different place now, I would not come out the same way. I would be more casual about it and probably wait until the right opportunity presented itself -or- if someone pissed me off by saying or doing something anti-gay (so I guess I still would do it for political reasons).
The list was slow going at first. You know it's funny but I first went into the closet when I was 12 years old and up till the time I came out at work I had never put into words what it was like to be in the closet. So I started with a list and that list included the most obvious things first and one idea led to another and before I knew it the list was a page long and the ideas naturally fell into the distinct categories I mentioned in the original post. You just have to do a little brainstorming and give yourself a little time.
I would probably start off by thinking of all the things that might lead me to worrying about outing yourself at work.
For instance, even though I am masculine, I always editted my thoughts to make sure whatever I said whould not out me. The same with my behavior. I would panic if I said or did anything I thought might possibly give me away. Listing that triggered memories of being paranoid about being found out. Listing that reminded me of how I couldn't bring myself to write a letter to the editor in response to some anti-gay letter because I was afraid someone at work might read it and out me. That lead me to think of never having supported gay friendly groups or having opposed anti-gay groups because I was afraid of outing myself. And so on and so forth.
Let me know if you have any more questions.
Regards,
Philip
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