Coming out in the workplace. Part 2 – Straight Coworkers

Coworker’s Questions

The question I was most expecting:
o Is it a choice?

The question most asked:
o Why are you coming out?

Variations of the question most asked:
o Why are you doing this?
o Why do I need to know?
o I don’t go around telling people my sexuality. Why are you?

My Reaction

Surprise:
o Why are they asking me these questions?
o It’s obvious why people come out.

Confusion/Hurt:
o What’s going on?
o Don’t they want me to come out?

My Process

OK, calm down.

Everyone knows what the closet is like.

Even if they have never been in the closet, the concept is so easy to understand.

But wait a minute….
o I’ve been in the closet most of my life.
o These folks have never been in the closet.
o What was it like before I stepped into the closet at twelve years old?

Eureka! Light Bulb moment.

These folks have not spent five minutes thinking about the closet, much less spent time in the closet.

So they are asking these questions because they honestly don’t know why I’m coming out.

And it’s unreasonable for me to expect them to understand what they’ve never experienced or even thought about it.

No wonder they’re not very supportive. They don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing.


How did I get my coworker’s to be more supportive?

I knew most would be more supportive if they understood why I was doing what I was doing.

The only way I could think of to help them understand was to tell them what the closet was like.

But this turned out to be more difficult than I thought. I didn’t have the words to explain what I felt in my bones. I had never talked about the closet with someone that didn’t already know.

So I created a list.

First, I listed what it felt like to be in the closet.

Then I added what I had to do to stay in the closet.

Then I added what I couldn’t do while still in the closet.

Lastly, I added what I couldn’t do outside of work while in the closet at work.

My list was soon over a page long.

And the next time a coworker asked “Why?” I was ready.

Coworker’s comments afterwards

I had no idea.

It never occurred to me the closet was like that.

You have my support.

(And my favorite) – Why didn’t you come out sooner?