This is therapeutic....

For someone that has a pretty easy time giving others advice, I am having difficulty asking for advice. I want to talk about my problems but I'm worried that I'm not up to the task; that I won't be able to put in words what's bothering me.

I live with this uncomfortable feeling or stress from having two contradictory ideas in my head simultaneously. And not just any two contradictory ideas. I picked two of the biggest; my family and my sexuality.

Before I tell you what the contradictory ideas are, let me give you some background. I'm married. Monogamy is a core need in our marriage. My wife would rather be friends and no longer married than have an open marriage. I want to stay married.

Here are the contradictory ideas:

First, I'm a nice person. I love my family. I would never intentionally hurt my wife or children. I want us to thrive as a family.

Second, I'm a gay man and there is something missing from my marital relationship that is so fundamental that I can't seem to live without it. That something is intimacy and closeness that I only seem capable of finding with another man.

If I had a choice, it would be family hands down. But it's not a choice. I can't change my sexual orientation.

But I know the most important idea in my head is my family so the other idea, my homosexuality, is of lesser importance though believe me I've learned that hard way that it's very important.

So my focus is my family over my sexuality but I know fighting my sexuality is futile because my psyche forces me to be honest about who I am.

How does this uncomfortableness or stress express itself?

Everyday and in many ways.

Here are some of the biggies:

Sometimes I lose patience and, despite knowing it's impractical, want a final resolution. This means divorce. This happens when the lesser idea has overcome the resistance of the greater idea and the stress is at it's greatest. At times like this I just hang on.

Sometimes I feel ambivalent and just want to be left alone. This is when the two ideas are battling but the greater idea has the upper hand. At times like this I often feel aimless and depressed and sometimes I just give in to myself and have a pity party or try to sleep it off.

I almost always avoid too much success or excitement or joy because from experience I know my sex drive increases dramatically and my self-esteem goes way up and it becomes more and more difficult to live my life the way it is.

And sometimes I have a great deal of energy and much hope. This is when I get all the things done that I don't get done at other times. I don't really understand what's going on here but I have a theory.

My theory is that my psyche is just driven to resolve the contradications because it's human nature to eliminate conflict. Maybe human beings are not built to live without hope so the psyche tries to resolve the contradictions and comes up with tactics or strategies that for however briefly gives hope.

So why am I posting?

Because avoiding success or pleasure or excitement so I can stay on an even keel is just wrong.

And this continuous quest to find resolution where none exists smacks of a bad habit that just keeps me going in circles.

So I would like to hear from others about what they think of what I've said so far.

Before I go I would like to acknowledge that the two contradictory ideas are not as contradictory as they once were.

That's because over the years I've become more comfortable with my sexuality and discovered I could express my sexuality in ways that were non-threatening to my wife. Discovering I could express my sexuality outside the bedroom made it easier for me meet at least some of my need for intimacy with another man.

But what I am doing only allows me to survive, not thrive, in my marriage.

And that's my goal...to be in a monogamous marriage, feel good about my sexuality and be able to honestly say that my family and I are thriving.

Regards,
Philip

"Being gay is not an emergency"

"Being gay is not an emergency"

When I saw this posted on SSML, I laughed then realized up till that moment I had believed that it was.

When I was 12 years old, I believed if I was gay I would morph into something less than human. But I had no excuse for still believing being gay was an emergency at 52.

After all,being gay is no different than being straight in all ways that really matter, right? It's just about the gender you relate to best.

So why was I still thinking it when obviously I knew better.

Then I realized this was just another dumb belief I grew up with about HOMOSEXUALITY that was totally false but I had never questioned.

That is until I saw that post on SSML.

"Being gay is not an emergency"

Pass it on.

Welcome....

Hi,

Someone suggested I should create my own blog because it is so therapeutic so here I am. Being new to all this, I have no idea what I am doing but I hope that I will pick it up quickly.

Regards,
Philip