The new and improved me – Part 2

Saturday I went shopping for work pants – first time clothes shopping since I can’t remember when.

First, a little background.

I've lost a ton of weight in the last few months.

Right before Christmas vacation, Jennifer, a sweet co-worker, made an off-hand remark in a way that told me it was anything but off-hand about my baggy pants.

So when I got home I grabbed my wife’s makeup mirror and checked out how I looked from behind and was shocked by what I saw. I looked like I was wearing clown pants. It was ridiculous. No way could I wait until I stopped losing weight to buy new pants.

So I told my kids that they could go ahead and get me a new belt (I had added six notches to my old belt) and shirts for Christmas and I was going to buy new pants while on vacation.

Well, right before Christmas I had a minor car accident. No one was really hurt but it was unnerving. For a while I didn’t want to drive even though my car was operable. I didn’t even finish my Christmas shopping or visit my brother and sister for Christmas because they didn’t live nearby.

I just kept imagining pieces of my car falling off on the freeway and thinking about how narrow car lanes are in Phoenix and how when driving home after the accident I had felt the cars on either side of me moving in on me.

I'm much better now but it's still kind of bothering me.

So I didn’t drive the rest of my vacation unless I absolutely had to. The first trip after the accident was to a car dealership for a repair estimate and I was nervous driving the entire way.

So the morning back to work, I grabbed for my work pants and realized I hadn't bought those new pants.

Now back to Saturday…

Of course, I was excited at the prospect of finding out what my new waist size was.

I am not too proud to admit I went to Targets. I hate shopping and Targets are everywhere and relatively cheap so that’s where I headed.

When I got to the Men’s Department, I asked the sales lady for a tape measure. I measured 46 inches around. Wow, was that disappointing. That was only about a two inch improvement over my old waist size.

But then I tried on a size 46 pants in the fitting room and the pants practically fell off. I realized I had measured girth instead of waist size. Did I mention I don’t know much about clothes. So I then tried on a size 40, 42 and 44 pants. All too big for me. And then I tried a size 38 and it was just right.

I had gone down 10 pants sizes. Wow!

And for the first time I can remember I enjoyed shopping for clothes. If I keep losing weight, I might actually start looking forward to it.

Regards,
Philip

The new and improved me....

Thursday had a physical – first doctor visit since 2009.

Doctor said I was on the right track by losing weight, exercising and being careful about what I ate and watching food portions.

Then I jokingly said I would have to be emaciated to match what the BMI (Body Mass Index) stated was average weight for a man my height.

The Doctor told me I would be surprised. Most people were last at the weight in high school so think it’s impossible to weigh that much again. But while it’s takes a lot of work, it’s still possible to weigh what you once did in high school.

That’s when I noticed how thin he was. And when he had first come in, I had noticed he had the energy of a much younger man (he’s one year older than me – 58).

Which lead me to think that maybe he knows what he speaks of.

Of course, I didn’t ask him if he was speaking from experience. I thought that would be too personal a question to ask.

But then he does move like a young man.

So my question is this….what is one’s ideal weight?

Previously I thought my ideal weight would be whatever weight left me feeling and looking healthy.

I was going to continue to lose weight until I got around 200 lbs (currently at 228) then stop and see how I felt. If 200 pounds was still too much, I was sure it would be close to my ideal.

But now this new Doctor is telling me that BMI is a reasonable way of determining a person’s average weight. And BMI is calculated by adding 100 pounds to 7 times every inch over 5 foot which means that at 5’11” my BMI equals 100 + (7 * 11) = 177 pounds.

I use to weigh 185 pounds before I gained all that weight. And even back then I thought I was way too skinny. And, of course, once I was no longer that skinny a few relatives and friends confided I had been too thin.

I forgot to mention I have a stocky built. I’m barrel chested. I’m big boned. I carry my weight much better than most. In fact, usually when I meet someone the same height and weight as I am, that person looks much, much heavier.

And I don’t want to be obsessive about my weight (so maybe I should stick with my original plan.)

But did I say the Doctor bounded with energy, didn't lumber, moved with ease.

I’m curious to hear what others think. Go with my original thought, go with BMI or go with something else?

Regards,
Philip

This is going to be a stupid post

I don't have a history of keeping new years resolutions but this year will be different (right!).

My new years resolution is to get healthy or at least as healthy as one can get at my age (57 year old).

In August 2008, I posted that in 2001 I stopped going to the gym and gained about 100 pounds in order to make myself so unattractive that I would be undesirable. I did that because I knew it would be difficult, if not near impossible, to keep my vow of monogamy as long as I was attractive enough to draw attention.

I know it sounds vain. I am not at all attractive. At least not in my eyes. But I am a type. The hirsuite, masculine, swarthy guy that seems working class but isn't. This is attractive to some men -and- I am usually attracted to these men because they are mainly what I like which is somewhat pretty, intellectual, solid middle class types.

In other words, wherever I seem to go there seemed to be guys attracted to me that I was attracted to so I had to do something. So I did something incredibly stupid. And here is the thing...I knew it was dumb, I knew what I was doing was harmful to my health but I wanted to do whatever it took to make sure I could keep my end of the deal - I didn't ever want her to worry.

So I did the stupid thing. I gained a 100 pounds because 50 pounds wasn't enough (I thought I still looked too good) and when I finally hit a weight that made me certifiably so self-conscious that I felt nobody would look my way (about 80 pounds) then it took me another 20 pounds before I could hit the brakes enough to stop any further weight gain.)

So there I was seven years later in 2008 weighing 100 pounds more and facing health problems.

There is longetivity in my side of the family. It is not unusual for people in my family to live into their 80's and a few have made it into their 90's.

I realize now I can't take this longetivity for granted because I got readings in May that indicated I was already facing problems that I don't think long living family members faced until much later in life.

Those readings made me realized being fat was not just unhealthy; it was shortening my life.

And I said enough is enough. I have been an idiot too long.

So I got on the internet and read about what I could do and drew up a plan. I have now lost 55 pounds, am eating healthily (more veggies, fruits, eliminating as many processed especially fried foods as I can) and exercising (first walking then joining the gym and doing aerobics, now weight training and aerobics).

And I am starting to think I look good again. Actually, it's just not me. I have gotten lots of positive feedback.

So why am I posting? Because some of this positive feedback has not just come from coworkers and my wife and my friends. There was a guy following me around Crate and Barrel on Thursday. And a guy kind of staring at me intently at Targets last week. The first incident didn't bother me but the second one did. It was a mixture of terror and excitement. I am still dwelling on it. Hopefully, this post will put it to rest.

I tell myself I am older now and should be able to handle this kind of stuff but it still freaks me out. What bothers me is those men picked up on something to act the way they did. Is my neediness that obvious? I don't trust myself.

But I am going to get healthier. I have to or I am not going to make it into my 80's like most of my family.

Regards,
Philip

For teens, how is it going to get better NOW?

I love, love, love the "it gets better" project. Such a simple idea and yet so powerful. But there is just one thing...

I wish it had gone one step further to "and this is what you can do now."

As gay adults, we all know what it was like to be a gay teenager even if back then we didn't identify as gay. And we also know what we went through before it got better for us. So why not spare the younger generation some of that grief.

Unfortunately, maybe three or four people read this blog so I am not going to suggest you bring your ideas here. Instead what I would like is for the January topic to be about what we did that helped it to get better.

Hopefully, if enough bloggers write on this topic then maybe a few teenagers might read it and apply some of ideas and shorten the time it takes before "it gets better" for them.

Regards,
Philip

Does it get better for gay and married men?

Abe asked a really interesting question...for gay and married men does it get better?

Here is my response,

Short answer: I think for most yes it does to a certain point.

For me, I made extremely slow progress when I was very closeted then rapid progress when I first came out then that tapered off until I was making little or no progress at all.

And I have been in that place of little or no progress for years.

What I have now is a sense of peace within myself. I know who I am.

That differs greatly from the conflict and confusion that reigned supreme prior to my coming out.

Where it has gotten better is that my internal world is OK now and some improvement has been made synching up my internal and external worlds.

I have partially succeeded in synching both worlds because the people most important to me know the real me and accept me as I am so I no longer care who knows.

The only exceptions are my wife's family who I have not come out to out of respect for my wife's wishes. Fortunately, my wife's family live out State.

That freedom from fear allowed me to openly and honestly interact with most of the world.

Then I learned the vast majority of straight people accept me just as I am or could care less what my sexuality is.

This caused me to change my focus to the many that accept me instead of the tiny minority that would do me harm.

This change in focus has had a dramatic affect on my life.

I now feel safe almost all the time except for the rare occasions when it makes sense to feel unsafe.

I never realized how unsafe I had felt before.

So it has much gotten better because I now feel comfortable in my skin and for the most part feel welcome by the outside world.

Where has it not gotten better?

Well, in my sexual relationship or, as I like to put it, in my primary affectional relationship.

I didn't know for years but I know now that I have a much greater capacity for intimacy with a man than with my wife.

There are discrepancies in our marriage caused by my limited ability to relate to her.

There is nothing wrong but there is something missing from our relationship. Something vital.

But, since I have never been in a relationship with a man, I have never experienced what that something or something(s) is.

Yet my limited experience with men and my intuition tells me clearly there is something.

So what to do?

I cannot make progress in a vacuum.

To make further progress would require having some kind of relationship with another man and I know my wife well enough to know the marriage would not survive.

So I have come to the conclusion that I have reached the point of diminishing returns unless I am willing to end my marriage.

Yet I haven't been able to accept this conclusion so for years I have been spinning my wheels trying to make things better while staying within the status quo.

I guess you could say making things better has long been my gay obsession.

Which was OK as long I was making progress but now that obession seems almost counter-productive.

The sensible thing to do if I am to stay married is to focus my energies elsewhere where there is at least some opportunity for progress.

And that means changing my focus from making things better in my gay universe to accepting what I have and instead focusing on other areas that my gay obsession has caused me to neglect in the past.

Makes sense right?

As always there is something I forgot to mention...

I am talking as an older man (57 years old).

One more reason I can be as OK as I am with being gay celibate is that my sex drive is no longer driving me crazy.

But now that that primordial need is receding more and more into the background, other intimacy needs that were there all along are coming into ever sharper focus.

Kind of ironic considering for so long I thought it was just about sex when it was always so much greater than that.

The Five Love Languages

Madame Curie posting on another blog turned me on to the concept of the Five Love Languages.

The concept goes like this...people communicate their love to one another in one of five basic ways through words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time or physical touch. Usually a person has a primary way of communicating love that, if not reciprocated in the same manner, will eventually leave the person feeling unloved.

The problem is, of course, that many couples don't communicate in the same love language leaving both parties feeling unloved.

The solution is to figure out your partner's love language and express your love in their language until they feel so loved that they will no longer feel needy and be better able to focus on you.

The thinking is that your partner will then communicate love in your language so you will no longer feel needy.

And things just keep getting better and better.

What I love about this concept is that it is so simple and obvious yet I failed to connect the dots.

It's always been obvious to me that there are different ways to communicate love and I would have had no trouble guessing what those ways were.

It's also always been obvious to me that some people express their love one way and others another way.

What I was missing was that there is no one way of communicating love that is more right than the other.

I always assumed the right way to express love was to say it (words of affirmation), show it (physical touch) and connect (quality time - sharing feelings). Acts of service and gifts were poor substitutes for the right ways to express love.

I always assumed it was natural for everyone to express love in the right way unless the relationship had been seriously damaged or something in the person's family background had gone amiss.

In other words, if you couldn't or wouldn't communicate love by words, physical touch and sharing then you were psychologically harmed by something in your past.

Why did I believe that?

I think part of it is cultural bias. I'm Hispanic and Hispanic cultures pride themselves on relationships whether it is with family, coworkers, etc. Contrast this with the American culture that prides itself on self-reliance and rugged individualism.

But also part of it is that American culture is shifting away from rugged individualism and more towards relationships. Our movies and TV shows are full of examples of people bridging the distance between them; finally opening up and connecting with one another.

The implicit message I have gotten is that everyone should openly and freely express their feelings and there is something wrong with you if you don't.

This concept tells me that I am wrong. There is no one right way to express love. All the ways are right depending on the individual. But each person needs to be loved in their own way.

Confession time...I have never doubted my wife's love for me but I have long felt there was something seriously wrong with our relationship. Since our relationship changed forever post disclosure, I have long wondered if it had been irreparably harmed because I was gay. I have also wondered if my wife's upbringing was partly to blame. In other words, was she broken and in need of fixing.

This concept is a third possibility that provides relief (no one is broken), clarifies the problem (we are both feeling unloved) and a relatively simple solution (we just need to speak each other's language).

Well, I am doing an experiment.

I think my wife's primary love languages are acts of service and to a lesser extent gifts. My primary love languages are quality time, specifically the sharing of feelings, and to a lesser extent physical touch.

Do you see why the disconnect all these years?

For several weeks, I have been focusing on acts of service and paying close attention to my wife's comments for gift ideas (none so far).

Preliminary results appear promising. There are little signs here and there. We are a little closer.

Could it have been so simple as we just were speaking different languages?

Regards,
Philip

Tale of two cities

My wife and I just got back from vacation in San Francisco.

I expected to see lots and lots of gay people everywhere but, if they were there, they didn't stand out. I saw two young girls holding hands but no men holding hands. We didn't go to the Castro. We spent most of our time at Fisherman's Wharf, North Beach and Golden Gate Park. Did notice quite a few male couples pushing baby strollers but then some of those couples could have been cousins or friends. Which brings me to another surprise. I was expecting very few children and a lot of men to be effeminate and women to be butch. There were families with kids everywhere and the men were pretty much typical guys and the women were pretty much typical women (except dressed much nicer than usual). Again this may be because of where we were at.

My gaydar was pretty quiet. Usually it's set off when I sense people are trying to hide something or there is something not quite right with the picture. For instance, all the male couples pushing baby strollers set off my gaydar because of the frequency of the number of male couples. Two men pushing a baby stroller isn't enough to draw on. Several male couples is something to draw on.

But for the most part my gaydar was silent. Maybe gay people being out in plain sight makes it all melt into the background.

I spent three days in Salt Lake City for a convention. I expected to see very few signs of gay people anywhere. And I didn't see any obvious signs but my gaydar was constantly going off. I didn't know what to make of it.