Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I want off this merry-go-around....
My mind is a merry-go-round that I never get off. I attribute this completely to the gay and married thing. It's been ten days since I met my friend for lunch. That merry-go-round has been spinning faster then it has in a long time since that lunch. I am frustrated and can't sleep. I have been reading Dichotomy's blog. I could have screamed when I read some of the posts because it's so obvious that the authors couldn't have been married long because they have no idea what they are in for. What made me want to scream was that they wrote with such authority and confidence like they were the experts and dumb old people like me don't support MOMs (despite being married 34 years). I know I am in a bad place when lines "SSA does not define you" and "it's just a matter of self control" upset me. I try and try to get off this merry-go-round but somehow I quickly end back on it. What do I need to do? Is the only way off to divorce your spouse? I know I'm not unique and that whatever happens to me also happens to others -but- there have to be people out there that are no longer struggling with this issue and have been able to move on with their lives. while still staying married, right? I guess I don't want to struggle anymore but to stay married I have to continue to struggle but I don't want to accept a life of continual struggle so I try to find a way to get beyond it while staying married and that mindset that somehow I can find a way to end this struggle is what keeps me on this merry-go-round. What I can't understand is why I can't accept a life of struggle in order to stay married. Why do I keep chasing a way out of that struggle when there is none but to get divorced? Why do I keep hoping when there is nothing to hope for? What would happen if I gave up hope? I think that's what I am really scared of. I usually edit what I post but if I do that I probably won't post it. So here goes...
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4 comments:
Thanks for the candid post, Philip. I, too, sometimes feel like I'm on that same ride. Like you I've been married 30+ years and there have been times and seasons that were more stressful than others. I think our marriage does better when I am healthy. How's your physical health? That's definitely a piece of the puzzle for me. I also do better when I write--when my mind is racing, writing helps slow me down--so I encourage you to continue to write and see if that makes a difference for you. True, I haven't addressed the topic of divorce, but if you can slow down the merrygoround a bit, maybe you'll be able to see your marriage with greater clarity. Keep us posted.
Ned,
Thanks for your thoughts.
I don't know why I fixate the way I do.
I don't know if it is a bad habit that is really difficult to break or if there is some underlying reason why I do what I do.
All I know is that it doesn't make sense to cover the same territory over and over again if the effort is never going to change things.
I am going to do my damndest to break this cycle. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe something will happen that will make it clear why I am driven to do what I do.
You know people do crazy things and often there is a reason that makes perfect sense (once it's known) for why they do what they do.
Maybe I will find that I can face life where the struggle never goes completely away.
Or maybe I will find the prospect of that kind of life intolerable and this exercise was my way of making life tolerable by keeping hope alive.
In other words, what I do may be no more than a diversion that helps me avoid things as they are.
Regards,
Philip
I keep thinking of the image of the merry-go-round in Hickcock's "Stranger on the Train".
If you're not familiar with it, there is a scene where the merry-go-round wheel keeps going faster and faster and faster until the entire contraption flies apart (you'll have to watch the movie to find out why).
Anyway, sometimes I feel like my struggle and my marriage keep going in circles and I'm spinning faster and faster with no changed results but getting dizzy and sick and ready to fly apart. And this is nearly 28 years of spinning!
So, I think we do keep going to be diverted and avoiding things as they are. I don't know how to get off!
Beck,
Well, I think I am going to do my best to get off this merry-go-round.
Thank you (and you too, Ned) for letting me know that I'm not the only old married doing this.
Regards,
Philip
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