This is Father's Day and of all days I should not post this but this is what I am thinking today.
In my last post I talked about getting off the merry-go-round. Two days ago I was brainstorming; trying to figure out how to keep from going back on the merry-go-round (i.e., fixating on how to improve my marriage) when it came to me to just accept that my marriage (and therefore my life) is not going to improve and that I should instead focus on other efforts like improving the lives of others. I felt a sudden surge of energy so I went with it. I felt enpowered taking steps to bring about a brighter future for those around me. No more sadness or tears. Just grim determination.
I am being purposely vague because what steps I took is not the reason for this post. What this post is about is that for two days I have not been on that old merry-go-round (i.e., fixating on improving the marriage) and what I have done has not affected my marriage in a negative way. There have been, however, several moments of sadness that I couldn't explain. And the sadness for sure descends when I am not working on my new venture. In two short days I went from barely feeling the sadness to now the sadness rushing in when I try to relax and not work on my new venture. Then one time the sadness happened when I saw a couple on TV and yearned for what they had. It was that old familiar "yearning for I know not what" that I long ago linked to the need for intimacy with another man.
So now I am thinking that all I have accomplished these last two days is to replace one fixation (improving my marriage) with another (improving the lives of those around me) but, unlike the old fixation, this new fixation is doable and I have had some success already and the positive focus and feelings that follow success somehow allow the void and yearning that must always be there to surface. Is it possible the lack of success in my first venture kept me so frustrated that the void and yearning were kept at bay?
In other words, at some subconscious level was the old merry-go-round my way to prevent the void and yearning from surfacing?
A week from now or maybe even tomorrow I may feel totally foolish for publishing this post but then I might find this post to be truer still.
I'll just keep on my new kick for a while and see what happens.
Regards,
Philip
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4 comments:
i have sort of come to the same conclusion, but without the self-knowledge that i was doing so.
for the past several years i have spent a couple of weeks a year doing overseas volunteer work. sometime my wife comes along, sometimes not. it's just two weeks but involves a lot of planning so it's a healthy way to focus energy.
Santorio,
It is good to know someone else does this.
My sense is that preventing the void and yearning from surfacing is all that this fixating is about because since I came to that conclusion I haven't felt the urge to fixate on my marriage.
The true test will be time.
Regards,
Philip
As other people remind me lately, it is good to blog what you are feeling, even if you regret it later.
Good luck in figuring out what purpose in life is best for you. You have touched me many times with your comments in this community, and so I think you can be very good at helping others.
I wish the best and hope the waves of sadness will subside!
(And I hope you had a nice fathers day!)
Sarah,
I did have a good Father's Day.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Regards,
Philip
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