Gay Coworker’s Reactions
I was expecting:
o Unabashed support from my gay coworkers.
The actuality:
o Most of the negative reaction I got came from gay coworkers.
Examples:
o You are too in your face! You are going to get us into trouble!
o Oh, that’s nice (said with a bored expression).
o I don’t know why you’re telling me this but I’m supportive.
o It’s inappropriate to come out at work.
o A person’s sex life is private. I don’t talk about my sex life at work.
My Reaction
Surprise/Confusion/Hurt:
o Why am I getting so little support from my gay coworkers?
o My straight coworkers are more supportive.
o The negative reactions have been so varied, I can’t make heads or tails of it.
o What’s with the anger?
o What’s with the blasé attitude?
o Why is he still hiding in the closet after I came out to him?
o Is being out at work inappropriate?
o What is this talk about sex life and privacy?
My Response
o The reactions/attitudes don’t seem connected.
o I need to look at one reaction/attitude at a time.
o I’m going to talk to some of my gay coworkers about this.
You are too in your face!
o Turned out this coworker had been fired from her previous job because she was a lesbian.
o I remembered my first coming out experience being so bad that it took me years before I dared to step out of the closet again.
o I realized it was her fear of losing another job that was talking.
Oh, that’s nice (said with a bored expression).
o All the coworkers in this group had one thing in common – all had been out at work, as one person put it, forever.
o So coming out was old news but, for many of them, painful memories still meant paying an emotional price for giving support.
o Some had been supportive at one time but had grown weary over the years dealing with the same issue over and over again.
o And some to move forward had put the closet and coming out behind them.
o Regardless, as one person said, “been there, done that, don’t want to go back.”
I don’t know why you’re telling me this but I’m supportive.
o This one was easy.
o A mutual friend had outed him to me so I had assumed the same friend had outed me to him.
o However, the mutual friend hadn’t.
o So he was caught off guard when I came out to him.
o And more importantly wasn’t ready to come out at work.
However, some reactions I couldn’t figure out.
o So I turned to books on the subject.
o I read every book on the subject I could get my hands on.
o Most of the books had little or no useful information and were expensive to boot.
o But Brian McNaught’s “Gay Issues in the Workplace” was perfect.
o This book explained in easy to understand language the ‘Why?” behind all the reactions I had encountered.
o This book helped me resolve the remaining issues.
It’s inappropriate to come out at work and privacy issue.
o The underlying assumption here is that it’s inappropriate to come out at work because people never talk about sexuality at work.
o However, that’s not true. People talk about sexuality at work all the time. Heterosexuality that is.
o And differentiations are made between different aspects of heterosexuality.
o Orientation is always appropriate. So implying orientation by say introducing one’s spouse or displaying pictures of one’s family is always OK.
o Expressing sexuality is appropriate as long as the rules for how couples should act in public are followed. So, for instance, it’s OK to be a couple at a Company Picnic.
o Behaving in a sexual manner is almost never appropriate. There are exceptions, however, such as holding hands while walking or kissing goodbye after being dropped off at work.
But when it comes to homosexuality:
o The different aspects of sexuality are all lumped together making nothing appropriate because differentiations are not made.
o So gay people are held to a different standard due to this lack of differentiation.
As for privacy,
o Privacy implies choice. Where is the choice when the person feels that all aspects of their sexuality must be kept hidden.
So what is fair?
o An even playing field.
o Being held to the same standard.
o Being able to do the same things straight people do.
Including:
o Things so taken for granted that straight people do it without even thinking about it.
o Being able to make the same choices on what to keep private.
Conclusions:
o How a gay person reacts to your coming out says more about them and where they’re at in the coming out process then whatever you’ve done.
o And where in the process is the person just coming out?
o This person was in the “I did something tremendously difficult for me to do, feel real vulnerable and need lots of support.”
o I kept that in mind when a coworker I thought was straight stepped into my office and said in a barely audible voice “Remember that issue you brought up some time ago. Well, I need to talk to you.”
1 comment:
Thank you for sharing all of this. I am finding it very interesting. I know that Dichotomy will find it interesting as well. He is trying to meet a morning deadline for a project for work. I look forward to his having some time in few days to discuss your experiences with me.
Much to think about...
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