gay love stories

I don't find much to blog about. I guess that's because after years of being out to family I am on the other side of the turmoil and now not much new is happening. I guess that's the way things should be but talking about ordinary things makes for boring blog reading. So instead I read other blogs and advise freely about what to do so that someday soon the bloggers can talk about the turmoil and drama in the past tense like I do. But there are still a few surprises left and that's what this post is about.

In the last few years I have fallen out of the habit of reading. I used to love reading. Now I just collect books. My daughter absolutely refuses to buy me any more books until I start reading the ones I have. It makes no sense to keep buying books when I never read so now I even limit myself to browsing bookstores (which I love to do) and buying books for others. But I'm always checking out the gay section of the bookstore (if it has one). This can be a sort of depressing task since new releases of gay books are few and far between; a pattern started after an explosion of gay titles in the late 80's and early 90's. Now most of the new releases have 'erotica' in the title.

That is why I was surprised to come across a new genre that has been around since at least 2005. That is gay love stories written for and by gay/bi men. Now lesbians have long had romantic novels and love stories but I had never seen one written by men, gay/bi or straight. So out of curiousity I bought an anthology of gay love stories. I then spent a delightful evening reading about men in romantic situations. It was such a guilty pleasure. First, I was amused by how here this was suppose to be about love and most of the writers seem to be only able to talk about love through the context of sex. It was like having to read between the lines. Why do men, gay/bi or straight, have so much trouble articulating feelings? And why did most of the authors write about such an intimate subject in the third person liking they were gods looking down on mortals? I wondered if the lack of closeness was a cultural instead of gender thing. Maybe the editor selected the stories based on what he thought the audience (gay/bi men) would like and he thought his readers would be turned off by too much emotion and not enough sex. Anyway, most of the stories were fun and a few thoroughly enjoyable.

So for Christmas this year I asked for gay love stories.

And this is where the surprise comes in. I felt uncomfortable asking for this particular genre. First, I felt the need to make sure my wife was not made uncomfortable by my reading about gay romance. I explained how unromantical, is that a word, most of these stories are. By her reaction, I realized there was no need for me to be concerned. Next I worried that my son would feel uncomfortable paying for books with titles like "Best Gay Love Stories of 2009". Much, much to my surprise...he could have cared less. I picked out the books then considering the titles asked him if he would prefer I pay for the books and he could reimburse me later. He just shrugged off my concerns and I watched him pay for the books without hesistation. As I stood waiting in line with my purchases, I watched my son talking and joking with the cashier and remembered how I felt like I was having a heart attack the first time I bought a gay book thirty-some years ago before my son was even born.

Regards,
Philip

An Awakening

I never in my life participated in a protest rally before but something told me not to miss this one.

I thought it would be depressing. The government and many people in society are still telling us that we’re inferior and don’t deserve the same rights as everyone else and then Prop 8 in liberal California passed. But the mood was celebratory.

It was a big turnout by Phoenix standards (4000), skewed young, gay and straight, all races and colors and creeds. My daughter and I walked in the hot Phoenix afternoon sun for a greater distance than I’ve walked in a long time with people I have never met before and I found myself feeling cautiously optimistic.

Something was different about this crowd. My generation may have dreamt it but the next generation sees it. No talk about getting civil rights. This crowd wanted to know where their civil rights are. There was a sense of determination; a fire in the belly. These people are not willing to live with the status quo anymore.

I asked myself the questions probably most everyone else in the crowd was asking. Are we witnessing history? Is Prop 8 a tipping point? The next generation’s Stonewall? Are we seeing a changing of the guard with the next generation now leading the way?

Afterwards I realize I’m not sad or bitter or angry anymore. I’m ready to do whatever needs to be done. And a lot of other people are ready, too. Know hope.

What am I to do?

Last month I posted that I want to break away from sleep walking through my life. I want to engage. To live my life.

This week I have been on vacation and spent much of my time passively sitting in front of the TV watching the news coverage of the RNC. I realized I was sleeping walking through life again.

Actually sleep walking through life is only a partial description of what I do. It's true to the outside world I appear to be sleep walking but if you could see my inside world you would see that I am full of emotions I don't have a good outlet for. What looks like sleep walking on the outside is really my attempt to calm the inside; to strike a balance; to find some harmony or as I have heard others call it - to keep on an even keel.

In other words, I am busy. I just don't appear to be busy because nothing much gets done on the outside while I am working on the inside.

And that's what I told myself I would no longer do. I will no longer just strive to keep on an even keel at the expense of my outside world. I want something more to show for my life then to be able to say I didn't yell, I didn't fight, I didn't make others miserable because I am frustrated and unhappy on the inside. I want to have something positive to show at the end of my day for all my efforts.

But what I really want is to express all the passion I feel inside instead of bottling it up. I understand why I can't. It is too exhausting to express some but not all of what I feel. Is it too difficult to be passionate about my life and, at the same time, accept the lack of intimacy I feel for my wife when I know I am capable of great intimacy with other men. It is too difficult to be passionate about my life and, at the same time, accept the almost complete lack of sexual excitement I feel for my wife when I know I am capable of feeling so much passion with other men. How does one accept letting your foot off the brake for the little things in life when you are slamming your foot down hard for the big things in life. After all my feelings are so interwoven that it would be a formidable task (for me at least) to express some passion without all the other passion busting through. I know the decisions I made early in life got me to where I am today but it seems to be beyond me to undo where I am today without undoing those decisions. Part of me accepts that this is the price I pay for staying married and to just live my life the best I can and stop whining. Part of me knows I am capable of much more than this (that we are both capable of much more than this) and can't or won't accept the price. So I end up settling for seeking calm instead of passion because without calm there is no peace and without peace things become intolerable quickly.

But something has changed. I have often assessed what I have accomplished and found myself wanting but that was when I was still just afraid of squandering my life. Now I have squandered most of my life and don't want to squander what is left. I dont want to fretter it ALL away. I don't find acceptable any more to not engage in the outside world in the name of inner calm.

So I got my so called lazy a-s off the sofa and went outside and raked leaves. I took my frustration out on the leaves. I flung them into the garbage can. My mind said stop, go back inside and calm yourself down. I told myself no I can't go through life calming myself down. There are leaves to rake. Cars to wash. Life to live. When I finished with the leaves, I started cleaning house. The battle ensued. Sit down. Stare into space. Think calming thoughts. Or fantasize about a world where your emotions have an outlet. No I told myself. I want more than to be introspective or daydream. I want some real joy in life. Not pretend joy.

My daughter called. We have a weekly ritual. Every Saturday we have breakfast at First Watch and catch up on each other's life. She sleeps in on Saturdays so she calls me when she is ready to meet. The conversation during breakfast helps. I vent but just a little. Don't want her getting bogged down with my problems.

When I get home, I throw myself into chores. The battle ensues but I am feeling better. By the time I am done with my chores, I am tired but not so frustrated anymore. The emotions seem to have dissipated. I let myself believe for a little while that maybe I have been wrong all along. Maybe, instead of sitting there like some dummy and trying to strike some emotional balance, I am much better letting the emotion out little by little by slamming doors or raking like a mad man or working till I am tired. Sure I have not exactly been fun to be around but I have a clean house to show for it.

I'm OK for the rest of the afternoon but by evening the emotion is building up again. I could have gone and done something else but why bother. At some point I have to rest and when I do the emotions will build up again. This is why I feel so defeated. I have long been aware that I sit there for hours on end trying to calm myself down because that is preferable to the alternative which is to be constantly emoting in a negative way all over the place and potentially making others on the outside as unhappy as I am on the inside.

But I can't continue sleep walking through life. What am I to do?

Regards,
Philip

Coming out in the workplace. Part 4 - Post Disclosure

My reaction

What did I expect:

o If things did not go well, I would survive.

o If things went well, to experience the sense of liberation I had with family and friends but not to the same extent because they were coworkers.

What actually happened:

o There were a few big surprises but overall things went very well.

o I did experience a sense of liberation –and- it was not to the same extent as what I had experienced with family and friends.

o But something totally unexpected and wonderful happened.

Some things my coworkers said that made me feel supported:

o I feel honored that you’ve shared this with me…

o Thank you for telling me….

o Stand up and let me give you a hug.

o I understand because (then shared his/her secret)

o I want you to know you have my support.

o Tell me right away if anyone gives you any kind of trouble. (from Management)

Some of the surprises:

o The most common reaction – most of my coworkers could have cared less.

o My straight coworkers were generally more supportive than my gay coworkers.

o Straight coworkers can have secrets and go into the workplace closet, too.

o I was so afraid of negative reactions from straight coworkers but when I finally got a negative reaction from a straight coworker I shrugged it off.

o My gay coworker’s reactions were all over the map.

o How my gay coworkers related to my coming out said a whole lot more about them and where they were at in the coming out process than anything I did.

But the most wonderful thing happened:

Before I came out at work:

o I truly believed I was shy.

o I rarely spoke up at meetings.

o Year after year I got feedback that I needed to work on my communication skills.

o I had doubts my coworkers would still respect and like me if they knew the truth.

o I actually bragged to other gay people that I kept my work and home life separate; not befriending coworkers and socializing with them after work.

After I came out at work:

o My doubts were forever removed.

o My coworkers still respected and liked me.

o I started opening up to my coworkers.

o I was surprised to learn my coworkers found what I had to say important.

o I started getting compliments on my communications skills.

o My work relationships improved and friendships formed.

Conclusions:

I never expected:

o I would find my voice.

o I would benefit the most from my attempt to help others.

o Later on I would witness similar dramatic changes in others coming out at work.

Coming out in the workplace. Part 3 - Gay Coworkers

Gay Coworker’s Reactions

I was expecting:
o Unabashed support from my gay coworkers.

The actuality:
o Most of the negative reaction I got came from gay coworkers.

Examples:
o You are too in your face! You are going to get us into trouble!
o Oh, that’s nice (said with a bored expression).
o I don’t know why you’re telling me this but I’m supportive.
o It’s inappropriate to come out at work.
o A person’s sex life is private. I don’t talk about my sex life at work.

My Reaction

Surprise/Confusion/Hurt:
o Why am I getting so little support from my gay coworkers?
o My straight coworkers are more supportive.
o The negative reactions have been so varied, I can’t make heads or tails of it.
o What’s with the anger?
o What’s with the blasé attitude?
o Why is he still hiding in the closet after I came out to him?
o Is being out at work inappropriate?
o What is this talk about sex life and privacy?

My Response

o The reactions/attitudes don’t seem connected.

o I need to look at one reaction/attitude at a time.

o I’m going to talk to some of my gay coworkers about this.

You are too in your face!

o Turned out this coworker had been fired from her previous job because she was a lesbian.

o I remembered my first coming out experience being so bad that it took me years before I dared to step out of the closet again.

o I realized it was her fear of losing another job that was talking.

Oh, that’s nice (said with a bored expression).

o All the coworkers in this group had one thing in common – all had been out at work, as one person put it, forever.

o So coming out was old news but, for many of them, painful memories still meant paying an emotional price for giving support.

o Some had been supportive at one time but had grown weary over the years dealing with the same issue over and over again.

o And some to move forward had put the closet and coming out behind them.

o Regardless, as one person said, “been there, done that, don’t want to go back.”

I don’t know why you’re telling me this but I’m supportive.

o This one was easy.

o A mutual friend had outed him to me so I had assumed the same friend had outed me to him.

o However, the mutual friend hadn’t.

o So he was caught off guard when I came out to him.

o And more importantly wasn’t ready to come out at work.

However, some reactions I couldn’t figure out.

o So I turned to books on the subject.

o I read every book on the subject I could get my hands on.

o Most of the books had little or no useful information and were expensive to boot.

o But Brian McNaught’s “Gay Issues in the Workplace” was perfect.

o This book explained in easy to understand language the ‘Why?” behind all the reactions I had encountered.

o This book helped me resolve the remaining issues.


It’s inappropriate to come out at work and privacy issue.

o The underlying assumption here is that it’s inappropriate to come out at work because people never talk about sexuality at work.

o However, that’s not true. People talk about sexuality at work all the time. Heterosexuality that is.

o And differentiations are made between different aspects of heterosexuality.

o Orientation is always appropriate. So implying orientation by say introducing one’s spouse or displaying pictures of one’s family is always OK.

o Expressing sexuality is appropriate as long as the rules for how couples should act in public are followed. So, for instance, it’s OK to be a couple at a Company Picnic.

o Behaving in a sexual manner is almost never appropriate. There are exceptions, however, such as holding hands while walking or kissing goodbye after being dropped off at work.

But when it comes to homosexuality:

o The different aspects of sexuality are all lumped together making nothing appropriate because differentiations are not made.

o So gay people are held to a different standard due to this lack of differentiation.

As for privacy,

o Privacy implies choice. Where is the choice when the person feels that all aspects of their sexuality must be kept hidden.

So what is fair?

o An even playing field.

o Being held to the same standard.

o Being able to do the same things straight people do.

Including:
o Things so taken for granted that straight people do it without even thinking about it.
o Being able to make the same choices on what to keep private.

Conclusions:

o How a gay person reacts to your coming out says more about them and where they’re at in the coming out process then whatever you’ve done.

o And where in the process is the person just coming out?

o This person was in the “I did something tremendously difficult for me to do, feel real vulnerable and need lots of support.”

o I kept that in mind when a coworker I thought was straight stepped into my office and said in a barely audible voice “Remember that issue you brought up some time ago. Well, I need to talk to you.”

Coming out in the workplace. Part 2 – Straight Coworkers

Coworker’s Questions

The question I was most expecting:
o Is it a choice?

The question most asked:
o Why are you coming out?

Variations of the question most asked:
o Why are you doing this?
o Why do I need to know?
o I don’t go around telling people my sexuality. Why are you?

My Reaction

Surprise:
o Why are they asking me these questions?
o It’s obvious why people come out.

Confusion/Hurt:
o What’s going on?
o Don’t they want me to come out?

My Process

OK, calm down.

Everyone knows what the closet is like.

Even if they have never been in the closet, the concept is so easy to understand.

But wait a minute….
o I’ve been in the closet most of my life.
o These folks have never been in the closet.
o What was it like before I stepped into the closet at twelve years old?

Eureka! Light Bulb moment.

These folks have not spent five minutes thinking about the closet, much less spent time in the closet.

So they are asking these questions because they honestly don’t know why I’m coming out.

And it’s unreasonable for me to expect them to understand what they’ve never experienced or even thought about it.

No wonder they’re not very supportive. They don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing.


How did I get my coworker’s to be more supportive?

I knew most would be more supportive if they understood why I was doing what I was doing.

The only way I could think of to help them understand was to tell them what the closet was like.

But this turned out to be more difficult than I thought. I didn’t have the words to explain what I felt in my bones. I had never talked about the closet with someone that didn’t already know.

So I created a list.

First, I listed what it felt like to be in the closet.

Then I added what I had to do to stay in the closet.

Then I added what I couldn’t do while still in the closet.

Lastly, I added what I couldn’t do outside of work while in the closet at work.

My list was soon over a page long.

And the next time a coworker asked “Why?” I was ready.

Coworker’s comments afterwards

I had no idea.

It never occurred to me the closet was like that.

You have my support.

(And my favorite) – Why didn’t you come out sooner?

Coming out in the workplace. Part 1 – Pre Disclosure

My Company did many of the right things:

Included Sexual Orientation in the Company’s nondiscrimination clause

Supported a Gay and Lesbian Employee Network

Offered Domestic Partner benefits.

Yet I was still afraid to come out at work

In Arizona, it is legal to discriminate against someone for being gay.

So you have no legal recourse if discriminated against in the workplace because of your sexual orientation.

My Company had thousands of employees but only a handful were openly gay.

And there were no openly gay employees in my department (or so I thought).

Plus, there was this informal, unspoken policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

And a common belief, the “pink ceiling”, that being openly gay hurt your chances of advancement.

So why did I do it?

A young man I didn’t know killed himself in a very terrible way because of my silence and the silence of others.

So I made a personal decision to be silent no longer.

But I was already out to family and friends.

So I decided the workplace was the first place to break my silence.

And what did I expect?

No idea really.

I had previously only come out to family and friends.

I had never come out to relative strangers before.

And the openly gay people I knew worked at another site that had a reputation for being more open and gay friendly.

And there were special considerations

My coworkers varied in age, race, ethnicity, religion and national origin.

I was coming out to people I reported to and reported to me.

And some of my coworkers were foreign nationals from India and the Philippines.

What was my process?

A leap of faith. I had to believe I would get through it OK.

Because coming out at work felt like walking in the dark not knowing if ahead was solid ground or the edge of a cliff.

I told myself I would be able to handle whatever happened.

I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst.

But most importantly I had finally gotten to the point where coming out was so important I was willing to risk my job.

And I reminded myself that no matter what happened it couldn’t possibly be worse then what had happened to that young man.

He was the catalyst I needed to take that leap.

I did it for him.

so, so, so Difficult...

One definition of a difficult person is a person that doesn't do things your way.

Going by that definition I am a difficult person.

My wife is the strong silent type. When we have a problem she goes off into her cave and doesn't come out till she knows what she wants, and more importantly, what she wants me to do.

I'm just the opposite.

The first words out of my mouth use to be "we need to talk." Then I would foolishly expect her to sit down with me and tell me her feelings and listen to my feelings and together work on a mutual solution that would take into account both our feelings.

I know. I'm terrible. Expecting my wife to share her feelings. Expecting her to listen to mine. Expecting us together to come up with a solution that takes both our feelings into account.

When I tried to make her do it my way, I always ended up having to start off. My wife would patiently listen for five seconds then say "what do you want?" I would then tell her I want to talk. She would then tell me to come back when I knew what I wanted.

Is it any wonder that we didn't communicate well. What with me being so difficult and all.

Then I tried doing it her way and go into my own cave and two or three days later somehow miraculously know what I want and what I want her to do. It didn't work. Two or three days later I hadn't made any progress. For some reason I couldn't process it alone.

It's just not my style. I am a difficult person because I have a different style of communicating and problem solving.

Then I started frequenting the MOM (mixed orientation marriage) message boards and discovered there were many others like me out there. The strange thing was that they were all straight wives.

These wives asked me tons of questions. Most started off with...He refuses to talk about it. Or he won't tell me what he feels. Or he holds it all in. Or some or all of the above....and usually ended with ...How can I get my (gay/bi) husband to talk?

I told them to stop being so difficult.

Actually, what I told them was I wish I knew.

I know of one straight spouse that got her husband to talk. Basically, she told him she wanted out because she was dissatisfied with their marriage partly because he wouldn't talk about his feelings. When he realized he was going to lose her if he didn't talk about his feelings then he realized he had nothing to lose by talking about it and the floodgates opened.

I tried that but it didn't work for me. After 24 years of marriage I issued an ultimatum. Talk to me or else. I scheduled a date and time and she insisted on a time limit so we agreed on a day and time and 30 minutes. Then the day and time arrived and she mumbled one sentence and refused to open up anymore. We still had twenty minutes on the timer.

I told myself stop being such a difficult person and let it go.

So what do I do now?

Well now I know my wife and I have very different styles of problem solving and communicating and that her style doesn't work for me and my style doesn't work for her.

I respect her style but I also expect her to respect my style.

I know she needs alone time to work things through. She knows I need to talk it out to work it out.

So since I need to talk it out and my wife can't or won't talk it out with me then it's OK (no, necessary) for me to go elsewhere to find someone or someones to talk it out with. If I have someone to talk about it, even if it is not her, then I can sort it out. My wife is all right with me talking to others.

I have stopped trying to get my wife to open up about her feelings but if it ever happens that someday she opens up on her own then I will not interrupt her, not give any advice or psychoanalyze (her words); I will say nothing and just listen.

And when she comes to me and tells me what she wants without telling me what the problem is or what her feelings are or what the thinking is behind what she wants then it's OK for me to say "No" without giving any explanation because she is no longer "The One that must be Obeyed".

So do we ever resolve our problems?

Yes but not always. We have learned which problems to avoid. And, as for the others, we know each other well enough to go our own way yet somehow end up in the middle.

Thanks for listening.

Regards,
Philip

The Blob

That's me in my aerobics outfit.

I've always struggled with my weight.

Then at 33 I did what a lot of gay married men do after coming out - I joined a gym, lost a ton of weight and got into better shape that I had ever been in my entire life.

When my wife and I separated, I weighed 185 pounds.

Then after years of separation I asked my wife if I could move back in. She said yes. I weighed about 195 at the time.

Then I did something incredibly stupid. I decided to stop going to the gym and purposely go on an eating binge. My thinking was that it would be really difficult to stay monogamous but if I got fat enough then it wouldn't matter because who would want me except for the chubby chasers and I would just stay away from them.

When I got to 220 I figured I still looked too good so I kept on eating. When I hit 240 then I thought maybe another 10 pounds would do it. When I hit 260 I made some weak attempts to stop. Finally at 287 I hit the brakes.

I had gained 92 pounds. Seven years later my weight is around 280 and I have health problems. I'm diabetic. I have sleep apnea. And high cholesterol. I use a c-pap to sleep. And my right leg goes numb if I stand for more than a few minutes.

So I joined LA Fitness and for the last two years having been trying to get back into the habit of regularly going to the gym. I go consistently for a month then don't go for two. Or go three times one week, one time the next then skip several weeks.

I do aerobics because lifting weights is boring. But my gym has only one good aerobics instructor and she teaches just once a week. So therein lies the problem. I'm not exercising regularly because I hate all but one of the aerobics classes. So I decided to scour the other LA Fitnesses for good aerobics classes and found plenty but all far away. However, I went to classes regularly for about two months then gas went to $4 a gallon and I stopped.

Well, I am never going to lose this weight or diabetes or the c-pap or high cholesterol or the leg numbness until I get on a regular program of diet and exercise.

So I'm going to go back to the other gyms because my health is worth more than $4 a gallon gas. And I figured if I wrote about my weight and health problems to you all that the shame alone would force me to kick start my diet and exercise program.

So...Hello, World. Here I am. The Blob.

Regards,
Philip

Baby Thumbelina versus Chatty Cathy

When I was a little boy, the little girls were crazy about Baby Thumbelina.

Baby Thumbelina was this ugly little doll with a permanently scrunched up face that looked like she wanted to cry. A face only a Mother could love.

(Before we go any further, I want you to know I wasn't one of those gay boys that wanted a doll for Christmas.)

But then poor Thumbelina got tossed aside for Chatty Cathy.

(Really, I didn't prefer dolls to trucks.)

Thumbelina and Chatty Cathy came to mind this morning because lately I've been posting like crazy so I've been a real Chatty Cathy.

Then I thought it's always cyclical with me. One day I'm a Chatty Cathy, the next day I'm well a Thumbelina.

And there's a certain pattern. When problems are manageable, I'm a Chatty Cathy. When everything is going to hell, I'm a Thumbelina. So silence from me is like a big flashing sign reading "Danger" "Danger".

I have often wondered why when I have a problem that I have to talk it out with others before the problem becomes real and I can sort it out.

My wife is not like that. She is never a Chatty Cathy. And never a Thumbelina either.

She is more like the men in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". When she has a problem, she goes into her cave. So I guess that means I must be from Venus.

(OK, maybe I'm not the most masculine guy in the world.)

So I asked my daughter "Why, why, why?" over omelets and gravy at First Watch this morning.

Actually what I said was why do I have to say it out loud before the problem becomes real.

Without missing a beat, she said because when you say it out loud you can feel the emotion that goes with it.

How did she get so smart?

She's right. I don't know how others process problems but thoughts just swirl in my mind and get all intertwined but it never occurred to me to wonder where the emotions were. But, now that my daughter said what she said, I think the emotions must also be swirling around and getting so intertwined I can't sort them out and that's what the static is that I sense and why it increases or decreases depending on how serious my problems are.

So maybe I have to talk my problems out because that allows me to separate one thought from the rest and then the corresponding emotion just comes right along with it. And finally matching the thought to the emotion must be why for the first time the problem becomes real.

Who would have thought it was that simple.

By the way, emotionally my daughter is more like me and my son more like my wife.

So at least our children conform to the gender stereotypes.

Regards,
Philip

This is therapeutic....

For someone that has a pretty easy time giving others advice, I am having difficulty asking for advice. I want to talk about my problems but I'm worried that I'm not up to the task; that I won't be able to put in words what's bothering me.

I live with this uncomfortable feeling or stress from having two contradictory ideas in my head simultaneously. And not just any two contradictory ideas. I picked two of the biggest; my family and my sexuality.

Before I tell you what the contradictory ideas are, let me give you some background. I'm married. Monogamy is a core need in our marriage. My wife would rather be friends and no longer married than have an open marriage. I want to stay married.

Here are the contradictory ideas:

First, I'm a nice person. I love my family. I would never intentionally hurt my wife or children. I want us to thrive as a family.

Second, I'm a gay man and there is something missing from my marital relationship that is so fundamental that I can't seem to live without it. That something is intimacy and closeness that I only seem capable of finding with another man.

If I had a choice, it would be family hands down. But it's not a choice. I can't change my sexual orientation.

But I know the most important idea in my head is my family so the other idea, my homosexuality, is of lesser importance though believe me I've learned that hard way that it's very important.

So my focus is my family over my sexuality but I know fighting my sexuality is futile because my psyche forces me to be honest about who I am.

How does this uncomfortableness or stress express itself?

Everyday and in many ways.

Here are some of the biggies:

Sometimes I lose patience and, despite knowing it's impractical, want a final resolution. This means divorce. This happens when the lesser idea has overcome the resistance of the greater idea and the stress is at it's greatest. At times like this I just hang on.

Sometimes I feel ambivalent and just want to be left alone. This is when the two ideas are battling but the greater idea has the upper hand. At times like this I often feel aimless and depressed and sometimes I just give in to myself and have a pity party or try to sleep it off.

I almost always avoid too much success or excitement or joy because from experience I know my sex drive increases dramatically and my self-esteem goes way up and it becomes more and more difficult to live my life the way it is.

And sometimes I have a great deal of energy and much hope. This is when I get all the things done that I don't get done at other times. I don't really understand what's going on here but I have a theory.

My theory is that my psyche is just driven to resolve the contradications because it's human nature to eliminate conflict. Maybe human beings are not built to live without hope so the psyche tries to resolve the contradictions and comes up with tactics or strategies that for however briefly gives hope.

So why am I posting?

Because avoiding success or pleasure or excitement so I can stay on an even keel is just wrong.

And this continuous quest to find resolution where none exists smacks of a bad habit that just keeps me going in circles.

So I would like to hear from others about what they think of what I've said so far.

Before I go I would like to acknowledge that the two contradictory ideas are not as contradictory as they once were.

That's because over the years I've become more comfortable with my sexuality and discovered I could express my sexuality in ways that were non-threatening to my wife. Discovering I could express my sexuality outside the bedroom made it easier for me meet at least some of my need for intimacy with another man.

But what I am doing only allows me to survive, not thrive, in my marriage.

And that's my goal...to be in a monogamous marriage, feel good about my sexuality and be able to honestly say that my family and I are thriving.

Regards,
Philip

"Being gay is not an emergency"

"Being gay is not an emergency"

When I saw this posted on SSML, I laughed then realized up till that moment I had believed that it was.

When I was 12 years old, I believed if I was gay I would morph into something less than human. But I had no excuse for still believing being gay was an emergency at 52.

After all,being gay is no different than being straight in all ways that really matter, right? It's just about the gender you relate to best.

So why was I still thinking it when obviously I knew better.

Then I realized this was just another dumb belief I grew up with about HOMOSEXUALITY that was totally false but I had never questioned.

That is until I saw that post on SSML.

"Being gay is not an emergency"

Pass it on.

Welcome....

Hi,

Someone suggested I should create my own blog because it is so therapeutic so here I am. Being new to all this, I have no idea what I am doing but I hope that I will pick it up quickly.

Regards,
Philip